Who: cloud strife and zack fair. When: early december! Where: a house on the outskirts of town. What: a talk, and it's been a long time coming. Warnings: none presently!
[It's the dead of night- the small hours between midnight and sunrise anyway, and it's quiet. Where the house is situated means it's like that most nights- there's no roads to accommodate the steady trundle of carriages and wagons that proceed through Aefenglom while most sleep, no steam-powered trains to thunder past.
It may be quiet, but it's not still. Something canine- larger than a dog, but smaller than a conventional wolf makes its way from the woodland which surrounds the building- trotting along stones and gravel with its head lowered as it follows some scent. It's almost silver in the dim gloom the moonlight affords- save for a patch of inky black on its side.
A low whine comes from the creature as its head raises, and it breaks into a run directly toward the house. It leaps mid rush- seemingly catching something with its upper half- an opened window frame- back section and hind legs kicking to inch it upward and in.
It lands in a darkened ground-floor room with a crash, and an instantaneous, shrill, yelp. Immediately, the creature moves its head to its side and it sniffs the patch of dark. A cursory lick is all it affords whatever's there, and it shakes itself before giving out a low whimper. Then the light of the room is switched on.
The creature snarls toward whoever did it- lips curling up and around a mouth full of sharp, sharp teeth, mutated blue eyes burning.]
[ The crash of a large body leaping through a window of the cottage into the living room isn't what wakes Zack up. He'd already been roused much more violently, with a sharp pain in his side that almost sent him falling out of his bed, had he not been so tangled in the sheets. There was no getting back to sleep after that, especially when he couldn't shake the feeling that the stabbing pain had come across his Bond with Cloud.
Zack's aware of what Cloud does as a turnskin, how he roams out at night to hunt and feed that animalistic side of him. It's something that has to be done, a way to appease his inner beast so that he doesn't lose complete control and harm people during the full moon. Cloud's wanted to maintain some amount of privacy with it, and for all that Zack tends to worry about him, he hasn't wanted to be suffocating either. So he's let him do his thing — he'd clearly been managing it before Zack came to Aefenglom, after all.
Something has gone wrong, though, and Zack has no way of making contact with his Bonded. Not when Cloud's in wolf form with no access to his watch or any other means of communication. Zack's sat up in bed, lacing up his boots as he prepares himself to head out into the woods in search of Cloud, when that crash comes from the other room.
Well, at least he knows how to get home.
Zack rushes over and turns on the lantern, bathing the wolf in light. It's his first time seeing Cloud completely transformed. Much like with everything else, this is something he'd wanted to keep from Zack. There's a pause of surprise, and when the wolf looks up to him with bared teeth and blazing eyes, Zack lifts both arms in an disarming gesture. ]
Cloud, hey, it's fine. [ His voice comes out in a soothing hush, but he frowns when he notices the dried blood matted into the fur at the wolf's side. Well, that explains that. ] What happened?
[ He's pretty sure he won't get a real answer, but that doesn't stop him from asking. ]
[As soon as he sees the figure, ascertains who exactly it is via... multiple things, really. Sight, scent, and his hearing- his lips retract back over his teeth. His ears move upward, standing high on the top of his skull, and his tongue quickly moves outward to take a pass over his mouth.
He trots forward, nose twitching curiously as he does, and no, he does not answer. Now- to him anyway- everything Zack said comes out as garbled noise. Nothing he can really make head or tail of, but not anything bad. So. instead of answering, he moves toward him, tentatively at first, but after a few loops around him (final confirmation to him of who it is, since the Chimera Thing was a little more apparent to him like this) and he's on his hind legs instantly, jumping up at him with enough force to (maybe) make him unsteady on his feet.
...Definitely enough force, anyway, but whether or not Zack would collapse under him is in the air. It's not like in this form typical reservations apply.]
[ It would honestly be strange if the wolf had verbally responded in any way. When Zack had gone completely feral during that earlier full moon, he definitely hadn't been able to form words, his animal brain completely drowning out his human one.
The wolf approaches, clearly interested, and yet Zack doesn't pick up on any of that initial hostility. He isn't going to reach out until he's sure that the wolf trusts him, though, and stays still as the beast circles him a few times, sizing him up.
There's a couple of reasons that he isn't expecting the wolf to jump up at him, its front paws reaching out. First of all, it's injured, which means that it probably shouldn't be straining itself like that in the first place. Secondly, this is Cloud in some form, and he's usually not this forward. Not even close to it.
So there is a brief yelp as the wolf crashes against him, but Zack has enough reaction time that beyond a stumble backward, he does keep his balance. He reaches around to set his hands on the wolf's back, at its shoulder blades, to keep it steady as it balances on its hind legs. ]
Whoa there.
[ He tilts his head to the side now that the wolf is this close, trying to get a look at its flank where it had taken some kind of injury. This at least grants him a decent view of it. ]
You ran into something unfriendly, huh, buddy?
[ First thing's first. He just wants to make sure there's no sign of the Cwyld. ]
[He should absolutely not be straining himself like this at all. It's reckless, stupid, and it's certainly causing his side to bleed more- both his Turnskin abilities of healing and the side-effects of what happened years after the Nibelheim Incident having done a pretty good job (initially) of stemming the blood flow, accelerating his healing enough for him to get here, but not being able to... well, compensate for... a very dumb, very excited dog brain that can only really process someone important right there, needing a couple of thousand licks.
As such, the wolf begins to attempt to climb Zack's body, back legs scrabbling against Zack's own for purchase, tail smacking against his body as it... well, goes berserk. Zack's (well thought out) plan to examine him for any Cwyld might suddenly be a lot harder. Especially when his face gets within reach.
Sorry buddy, here's about ten mlems right to anything he can reach. And a headbutt. And more mlems.]
[ Well then, that is a whole lot of dog that's trying to somehow climb up him, and Zack has no recourse but to end up supporting all of that bulk at the wolf's rump, and then eventually straight-up carries the animal in his arms, cradling its mass like it weighs nothing. Not at all the case, and if he wasn't imbued with enhanced strength he definitely would have fallen over by now in a heap of limbs and laughter, but...
The laughing, that's still happening as the wolf shoves its face against his and licks him relentlessly. Is Cloud going to have any memories of this, whether from sustaining that injury or this very excited greeting? Suddenly it's starting to make sense, why he'd insisted Zack never "meet" his wolf form. Boy, oh boy. ]
Hey, I'm happy to see you too, but now probably isn't the time!
[ Zack protests through his laughing, but ultimately falls into a crouch so that he can try to set the wolf down, then holds his hands out to fend off its "attack" for a moment. ]
Come on, chill out for a sec, I need to get a look at you.
[It's a good thing Cloud, as a (mostly) human, never remembered what exactly happened when he transformed. Because right now? He'd dig himself a large hole, and spend the rest of his life inside it. Because as a wolf? He's having the time of his life.
Chasing pucas, digging out animals from their burrows, hell- even making the odd attempt at a human settlement was nothing compared to the sheer, utter joy the creature feels when his weight is supported, when he's shoved up good and close against what his instincts see as family, and he's surrounded in his scent and his warmth.
A few (dozen) mlems later and Zack's crouched, the wolf, from shoulder to head (unceremoniously) over his shoulder (and chewing excitedly on the longer parts of his hair while making some interesting noises of elation) his very waggly back half on the ground again. And despite wiggling, waggling and wagging (and certainly Not chilling out), he's actually in a pretty good position for Zack to make his examination like that.
Said examination should show no sign of infection. Instead, there's a series of grazes from where a number of bullets (A cluster. Maybe buckshot?) have grazed his side, the wolf, obviously, bleeding, but fortunate enough to have had none of the rounds pierce his skin. On the rare occassion Cloud's still enough for Zack to get a really good look, he should see the skin already starting to heal.
But. The wolf, abruptly, leaps from him, and attempts to charge him, hoping to knock him over. Then it shifts, moving in a zig-zag fashion, away.
[ It's definitely a trial to try and get a proper look at the wound with the wolf never staying still for more than a second, but Zack is at least able to determine that it's nothing so dire that he needs to take immediate action. How he would even sedate a wolf to treat such a wound, he's not sure, as he's not doing such a great job of getting through to Cloud's animal form so far.
No, the wolf's more or less walking all over him, and while all of it seems to come from a place of deep-seated excitement the likes of which Zack has truly never seen from Cloud, it's still. Well. A lot. In this case, with Zack crouched on the floor, he isn't quite steady enough to keep his balance this time. When the wolf charges at him he's bowled over, landing on his back and catching himself at least partway with his elbows. The wolf takes off then, racing around the room, and man, this is not how he thought his night was going to go.
After pushing himself back up into a cross-legged sit (so as to maybe avoid getting knocked down yet again), he simples watches and waits, figuring that all of this energy will have to dry up at some point. The wound must not be bothering the wolf so much that it can't move freely, but once it's calmed down somewhat, Zack will have to see what he can do about cleaning it out.
It'll be easier when Cloud's human again, but Zack's not sure when that shift will happen. Yet another question he should probably have the answer to, he realizes with a spike of frustration at himself. ]
[One eternity later (Or at least a few hours) Zack would maybe be feeling the worse for wear. If anything, because Cloud, injury or not, is still going. Zack in the meantime would have been bumped, jostled, rammed, bolted into, feinted away from, and fakeout zigzagged to all oblivion, nipped at, and jumped over and barked at and wagged at.
...Really, a mako enhanced wolf was hell. Even more so, when it wants to play. However, like all good things, all mortifying things come to an end, and eventually, tongue lolling out of its mouth and panting heavily, the wolf plants itself in front of the chimera, chin squarely on the floor, front legs splayed, and rear end raised in a playful stance- as if to ask, once more, to play.
The wag of his tail is still there. It's less frenetic than before though, and it's obvious that the wolf is breathing heavily, raising its head every now and then to a) pant, and b) try to moisten its nose a little.
Finally, Finally- the wolf lowers itself fully to the ground, and then rolls on its (good) side, pressed up right against Zack's legs.
An opportunity! ...Maybe.
It's just maybe a shame that the wolf's actions thusfar have led to the room being covered in blood, oops.]
[ It's been an interesting night, to say the least. When Zack had crawled into bed he certainly hadn't figured on spending most of his night sitting up with an excitable yet injured Cloud Strife in wolf form, and he can already see that he'll need to spend a good portion of tomorrow cleaning up the cottage.
Chances are that Cloud is going to insist on helping, too. Well, they'll cross that bridge when they come to it.
The good news is that it seems like he's finally tired the wolf out enough that he should be able to do something about that wound, to at least clean it out and apply some pressure to it before Cloud shifts back into his human body -- at which point it should be much easier to tend to his injuries.
Zack, having already grabbed the medical supplies they have on hand, therefore takes his opportunity and reaches out with a cloth soaked in warm water to start cleaning the wound and the fur around it. He uses his other hand to rub the wolf between the ears, in what he hopes is a calming gesture. ]
All right, buddy, just relax. It'll be over in no time.
[He doesn't usually wake up around this time. There's something kind of jarring about the sun now- It's bright, obnoxious, and it feels like someone's shining a torch directly into his face. Usually he can ignore it. Turn over, bury his head in... whatever, and lull himself back to a sleep deep enough to not notice it.
But something's wrong. He knows it- he's too hot for a start, and there's something (someone?) at his side, he can feel breathing, smell some kind of scent which is vaguely familiar (comforting?)- close, but not right on top of him, he's pretty sure. But there's some body heat there. On top of his own (impossibly high one, thanks to being turnskin) , it's ....stifling.
And there's the pain in his side. It's sharp, that's for sure. Some kind of cut? No, a graze? Whatever it is, it's ... irritating. Irritating enough to force him up, and as his upper body rises with a jolt, he realizes... there's a blanket over him.
Okay.
And there's a weight on top of the blanket. It's...
Tanned skin, a wrinkled vest, and a mop of black hair. Face pointed away. Back right up against him.
His voice is bleary.]
Za- Zack?
[Not like he's averse to it. But fuck to the what.]
[ Odd as it had been to interact with a wolf version of Cloud who could only communicate with him via whines, growls, barks, licks, and the movement of his tail, Zack had figured out a way to get through to him. Enough that the wolf had let him patch up his wounds as best he could, and then had trusted him enough to let Zack sit with him until he fell into a restful, hopefully healing sleep.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to drag Cloud to get some proper healing once he wakes up, but it was at least enough to hold him over. More than that, the encounter had been eye-opening in other ways.
Despite their Bond, despite the fact that they live together, despite everything, Zack can't shake the feeling that Cloud's still holding a lot back from him. It was weird, wasn't it, that he'd never even seen his transformed self until there was an emergency. They need to talk more, and there's no reason why they shouldn't, and now feels like the right time.
Zack feels Cloud's now human body shift around in the bed behind him, but he's sat up too quickly for him to do anything about it. Zack shifts around in the bed so that he's facing Cloud, with a mildly chiding expression. ]
Hey, take it easy. [ He glances down toward Cloud's side, where the wound has now been bandaged — he'd managed that much while Cloud slept. A hand reaches out to settle on Cloud's shoulder, to ground him and hold him steady. ] Do you remember anything about last night?
[ It's something he should already know (whether or not Cloud remembers his time as a wolf), but Zack definitely plans to change that now. No more secrets, if he can help it. ]
[Not the most informative of answers. But he can't help it- not really. The day after a transformation is always one spent drained, always one where he's sluggish, lethargic, and completely un-like himself. Not having a truly freakish amount of strength behind the most simple of movements. Not alert, either. So, case in point, it's all he can do to blink as Zack shifts himself to face him, eyes following his a few seconds after his gaze moves down to his side.
...That's killing him, for a start. He moves the covers. He's shirtless, Old scars he'd normally conceal (but now, doesn't have the energy to) apparent, there's wolf hair everywhere from where it'd fallen out in the night, and... bandages? Tied well. By someone trained. Tidily, a little tight. Military training?
He tentatively peels some away from his skin to examine the underneath. Then Zack's words finally catch upto him. How long ago did he say that?]
Uh.
[His mouth is dry. The taste in it is awful.]
...Not really. It's all a blur after I changed.
[Woodland turning into forest, a scent, the moon. Stars. Forest turning into woodland again. A clearing. Smoke from a chimney? Fences. Shouting.
He turns his gaze back to Zack.]
...Your eyes.
[Hey, they're gold now. He raises a hand from himself, tentatively touching his cheek. ...And he looks grieved. His tone? Concerned.]
[ No clear memories then, huh? That's more or less how Zack figured it would be, which means that Cloud's guess is as good as his when it comes to how he got hurt in the first place. When Zack had cleaned out and bandaged the wound he'd been able to tell it was a graze from some kind of shot. He hasn't seen a lot of people with guns here, so it might just be magic that looks similar, but naturally it's where his mind had gone.
He knows plenty about what bullet wounds look like, in any case.
Before he can offer any explanation or context for how Cloud ended up shirtless, bandaged, and in his bed while covered in wolf hair (he'll need to do some serious cleanup soon), his eyes draw Cloud's attention.
Well, it makes sense. Mako eyes are one of their most distinguishing features, so to have that changed is definitely cause for alarm. It's more surprising that Cloud hadn't seen them yet, but with how much their waking hours differ, it makes sense.
Even though they live together, Zack can't shake the feeling of having missed Cloud. It's way too easy for Cloud to avoid Zack, so he'll have to make a concerted effort to see that change from here on out. ]
No one. [ A pause, and he shakes his head, then makes a gesture to the space around them. ] Or... the magic of this world, I guess? Just one of my more recent monster changes.
[ Not that he's going to let the subject linger on him too long. Those eerie, gold eyes shift down toward Cloud's bandages. ] So, I know you don't remember, but any idea of who would have hurt you?
[His eyes are gold. The pupil is bigger than what it should be, the iris still faintly glowing in the dim light, because no matter what this world did, it wasn't able to get rid of the mutation caused by Mako.
...He hates them. More like he hates what they bring back. The thought of that makeshift laboratory underground, of seeing white-coated attendants move around Zack's cylinder, of seeing them put some kind of chemical inside to make him docile, compliant, of seeing them drain the mako, move him out, and put him on the table and-
and-
Zack probably watched the same thing happen to him too. And he was just as powerless to do anything.
He's sluggish, zoned out, and not-quite there. It feels a little like Zack's moving at a tempo faster to him, to him, the shake of his head and the gesture of his arms practically the same motion. The subject change is natural, but to him, it feels jarring. He shakes his head, lightly. ]
...No clue. I just remember tracking something.
[And. Even if it's not because he's slowed down, it's more the fact he's far more concerned over Zack than himself-]
[ That doesn't give them a lot of information to work with, and Zack frowns as he eyes the stain of dried blood on the bandages at Cloud's side. While the worst of the bleeding is over and Cloud will ultimately be fine, what about the future? If they don't know how this happened, there's a chance it will happen again, and that it will be worse. These must be something he can do.
Yet despite the fact that Cloud is foggy and sluggish in the aftermath of what had turned out to be a very busy night for him, he stays set on the subject of Zack's changes like — well, like a dog with a bone. Zack only barely holds back a sigh. He appreciates the concern, but it's unnecessary, and Cloud should save that energy for himself. ]
Nope. I know it's weird, but... well, if anything, I feel like my vision is better than usual. Can see better in the dark, too.
[ So it comes with its perks, jarring as it might be.
But hey, two can play this game, and Zack isn't going to stop himself from drilling Cloud with questions now that it's come to this. He reaches out to grab a clump of the shed wolf hair, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger. ]
How about you? Does it hurt when you change? How much control do you have over the transformation?
[There's an intake of breath, and for an instant, it feels as if he's about to say something at Zack's response.
He wanted to apologize. To say to him that he should have been there when it happened. That he must have been freaked out- that hell, he should have been there in general.
But it doesn't come. As abruptly as the breath is taken, it's released into nothing right away. His eyes drop, and he says nothing. He attempts to bring his legs up, to huddle around them, but it's aborted. Namely because doing that hurts.
All he can do is answer.]
Kinda. Hurts more if I try and hold it back, though. Or try and stop halfway. [His eyes raise again.] ...I've got control. I can turn any time I want. [Except...] Mostly. I have to, on a full moon. If I don't turn regularly, the full moon...
[Really hurts. But he doesn't say that. He just shakes his head.]
[ Zack nods along as Cloud explains, and while he'd figured on all of this, it's good to have it confirmed. The interaction with the wolf last night had been a wake-up call of sorts, making him realize that if he gave Cloud too much space that it could become dangerous. They needed to be honest with each other, and there was truly no reason why they shouldn't be.
He's pretty sure both of them are tired of secrets, anyway. ]
I mean, I only change during the full moon. It's usually after one that one of the changes becomes permanent, like... [ He reaches up to point at his eyes, as if they're not blatantly obvious already. ] But at least I get a preview of what I'll look like once this is all said and done.
[ The gradual changes make this entire process a little easier to swallow. No one wants to lose agency over their own body, to have to watch as parts of them that were familiar change and become anything but. It's not like Zack's the only one, though, not by a long shot, and so there's little reason to complain about it. ]
I'm sorry, Cloud. I should've asked a lot of this stuff way earlier. I didn't want to pry, but when you showed up last night and you were hurt, I realized how little I knew about how the turnskin stuff works.
[ A pause, and then he reaches out to settle his hand on the top of Cloud's head, fingers settling between spikes. ]
You'll take it easy until you heal up completely, right?
[He listens, his eyes moving away again as Zack speaks. He can't exactly place why the thought of him changing feels just as bad as the changes he's gone through and will go through.
The mention of more to come makes his throat tighten, makes it hard to swallow, makes his hands clench. 'We need to get out of here' he can't help but think, but what can they do?]
It's not your fault.
[It's weird, being apologised to. Especially when it's Zack, when Cloud feels that he's got nothing to be sorry for. He moves his eyes back to him, and lightly, he shrugs his shoulders.]
Wouldn't have told you anyway. [...That sounded awful.] I mean... [Small pause.] I don't know what happened last night. I don't know if it'll happen again.
[If anything, tonight's taught him that he can't do the hunting thing alone. So...]
I'll do what I can so it doesn't. ...But I don't want people knowing about it. Any of it.
[Another pause. That still sounded bad. He turns his eyes upto him.]
It's not like I don't trust you. [This person? More than anyone.] But you've got your own stuff to worry about, right? Like...
[His eyes. He gestures, smelly, to his face.]
I don't want you to worry about me. Or anyone else.
[ Despite the fact that Cloud is protesting Zack's desire to learn more at every turn, at least he's being vocal about it. This is still preferable to not talking things over at all. The thing is, Zack's pretty sure that with enough time and persistence, he'll be able to wear Cloud down on some of these points.
This is just the beginning.
At the mention of Tifa, Zack quickly nods. ] And Aerith, too. But here's the thing, Cloud...
[ Trailing off for a moment, he lets his hand fall from the top of Cloud's head down to his shoulder, which he squeezes. His fingers haven't exactly turned into talons yet, but they're on their way. No doubt Cloud will notice that too, if he hasn't already. ]
Whether you want us to worry or not, we're still going to. You don't have to bear everything alone. We've seen now what might happen if you do, so...
[ If Cloud doesn't want to drag Tifa and Aerith into potential trouble, Zack could understand that. It's not his battle to fight, and he's sure that both of them will give Cloud hell on their own. ]
You can't just close off all the time, all right? We're in this together. We're Bonded, anyway, which means you can't hide everything from me, remember?
[ At that, Zack winks. While he does his best not to read too much into the various sensations that move across their Bond, he's now thinking he should change that. ]
[Damn right they will. And yeah, he's already dreading getting grilled by both of them about things. 1) they team up, and 2) ...Lying to Tifa's always been harder than lying to anyone. But after the Lifestream? He's not sure if he can. A third point about Aerith being... well, Aerith- would spring to mind, but Zack's dated her. He probably would understand just how... endearingly ....terrible... she could be.
Besides. Zack's fingers certainly feel sharper as they squeeze his shoulder, the joints of his fingers seem.. different, and... it bothers him. Enough to lower his eyes anyway, but he doesn't pull away.
Even if it's different, in small, hardly explainable ways, it's still him, right?
He raises his eyes. The bond. Shit.]
...Sorry. Should've thought about how you were feeling because of me.
[He's got to come out with it now. So, he exhales... flopping himself right back down on the makeshift bed as he does so. And he raises his eyes to the other, moving back a little to make space. A silent invitation for an impromptu huddle? Maybe.]
I've been thinking. Might be a good idea that I stay here. Aerith... when she was last here, said that Meteor falls. I don't get how I can make it right, regardless of her saying I did.
[Whether Zack moves down with him or not, his eyes stay on him. And his expression is fraught, pensive. Should Zack have moved down to follow him, he'd press his forehead lightly against him.]
I'm the one that made it possible for Sephiroth to call Meteor. ...I'm no hero. Never was.
[A pause.]
You? You're a hero. Best one there is. I tried to be like you, and I messed up. Because I'm not you.
[And.]
What I'm saying, is when we get to go home, I want you to go. With Tifa. ... You won't screw things up. Best thing I can do for the Planet is to stop hurting it. Same probably applies to Sephiroth. ...And that other guy. [Fun fact: He still didn't know Yazoo's name.] And this world... it's dying anyway. If something happens, it's just another nail, right?
[Another pause.]
I don't give a damn about this world. Only thing I care about's getting you, her and Aerith off of it.
Edited (forgot to add something!) 2020-12-20 01:00 (UTC)
[ There's no need for Cloud to apologize about what Zack may or may not be feeling due to the bond, but there's no need for Cloud to apologize for most things. It seems to have become a compulsion for him at this point, always assuming he's done something wrong or is in the way.
Zack doesn't hesitate to join him, settling down so that his side is pressed up against Cloud's back. When Cloud shifts and tilts his head in, their foreheads press, a brief yet important gesture. They're in this together, dammit.
As soon as Cloud mentions that he's been thinking about something, Zack gets the sense that it's not going to lead anywhere good. His fists clench in the sheets, covered in fur though they might be, as he lets Cloud say his piece (despite the very strong urge to cut him off).
When it comes right down to it, this is about Cloud running away again. He doesn't believe that he has it in him to stop Meteor, to undo that mistake and save Gaia, and so he thinks that he should put it on Zack instead. And it's not that Zack wouldn't do everything in his power to save their world if he was in that position, but it doesn't matter, because he can't. It's an impossibility.
Cloud should know that, and the fact that he doesn't digs under Zack's skin. He kept getting this niggling feeling at the back of his mind that something wasn't right when they talked about the aftermath of their escape from Shinra, but he'd always figured Cloud had to know what happened. On the cliffs outside Midgar...
More importantly, Cloud can't put this on Zack. Not because Zack wouldn't love to bear that weight if he could, but because Cloud needs to believe in himself for once. Aerith had even told him that he saved the world, that he stopped Meteor and Sephiroth, but he won't believe it. ]
... It doesn't work that way, Cloud. [ Zack's voice is uncharacteristically quiet as he finally speaks up, shaking his head slowly. He reaches up to set his hand at the back of Cloud's neck, urging him to look up into his eyes -- now shining with gold. ]
You may not care about this world, but for me? It's all I have. I can't go back, I can't stop Meteor. You get it, right? This... this is the end of the line for me.
[He hates the apologizing himself. But it feels warranted. If anything, because the Lifestream, what happened in it, scrubbed away so many things. His front, learned habits that... well, were Zack's, passed off as his own, as well as so many other things. A preconceived notion of what a First Class should be like, for a start.
What was left was... Disarming. It was a ton of things. Mostly, it was Nibelheim. Of that day that Tifa crossed the mountain. Of her lying at the bottom of it. Of how he'd taken her father's question- What the hell is wrong with you- as something really being wrong with him.
Only here, he didn't have people- back then, the village kids- to take it out on. Didn't have the delusion that being wrong meant he was meant for something more, either. And that, back then, both the combination of acting out in anger, of thinking he was like Sephiroth- different, meant for better things- sustained him.
Now? ...Aerith and Tifa returning helped. It's two things he'd taken as his fault resolved. But it didn't fix things.
He can't articulate it. But when Zack presses his head against his, he feels better. Strangely better. It calls back their escape. How, barely conscious, back then he'd felt his sickness (slightly) alleviate via the familiar press of him. ...Not like he knew, but they roughed it a lot then. And he can't place how, or when. Or why- but it's comforting.
He's averse to touching most people. But this is fine.
He doesn't complain when he feels the other's hand move to the back of his neck. Nor does he resist when he feels his fingers press at his neck, tilting his head upward. He meets his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing- if only because they looked so sad.]
What d'you mean?
[The tone of his voice is uncertain, unsteady. And by looking into his face, the confusion on it- Zack should know now, for sure. He's genuinely got no idea of what happened in the wasteland.]
We got separated. But you got away, right? You...
[He winces as a memory suddenly comes- painfully. A truckbed. The vibration of an engine. Some guitar tune on an old, crackly radio. The sun in his eyes.
[ Being casually physical with Cloud is truly something that Zack doesn't think twice about at this point, and it's actually got nothing to do with them being bonded. Given that he'd basically dragged Cloud across a continent and a half, there had been a lot of handling wrapped up in that. Letting Cloud lean most of his weight against his side as they walked, picking him up and putting him in the sidecar of a motorcycle, giving him piggyback rides when he needed to be quicker...
But also, making sure that they slept close enough to each other that Zack would wake up if something was wrong, if Cloud started to groan in distress or threw up in his sleep.
Yeah, that had been a time. Not that Zack regrets a moment of it, when Cloud is right here, well enough to talk to him.
But maybe he should have known that Cloud wouldn't really remember what had happened on that day. He'd been so out of it, had been for the weeks and weeks that they'd been traveling, so why would he? Zack had convinced himself Cloud must know, because having to break it to him seemed that much worse.
Zack heaves out a sigh, glancing down at the space between them. He moves his hand to reach out for Cloud's hand, clasping it tight within his own, and shakes his head. ]
I said...
[ There's a long pause. This is going to hurt. Maybe more than he can even guess. But Cloud needs to know. ]
That were you gonna be my living legacy. I gave you my sword... before...
[ He trails off. But he needs to speak the words, doesn't he? ]
The amount of times they shot me... Even for a SOLDIER, there was no coming back from that.
[You're lying. That's what he wants to say. It's a desperate thought. Something that permeates everything- his unease at the long pause, confusion at Zack's sudden stare at the distance between them, rather than his face. There's no way.
Even if he can't find an angle for it, any reason why Zack would lie about this, any reason for him to lie to him in general, everything in him that'd sought to protect him can't allow him to believe it. ]
No, that's not right, that's-
[It's weak. So weak, his voice. If anything, because his head's killing him.]
-You're not just some SOLDIER.
[You're a First-, he wants to say. That made the difference. Shinra could toss a whole squadron at him and-
The truckbed, again. The memory makes him feel sick, again.
This time, he can hear voices. Some old guy's voice is fuzzy, blurred out into the sound of the radio. Maybe because it wasn't important. But Zack's voice is clear. He's saying something about going to Midgar, and...
Around them. Yeah, it's the wasteland. They must almost be there. There's a bang. A cry to get down. He's shoved down and set on some rocks? Something's hard against his back.
His hair's ruffled. His head jerks forward, and there's a faint complaint, some ache in his neck at it. He hears an amused sound. Then something shifts. The sun's in his eyes again, and...
...He raised his hand, right? He didn't want him to go. But it's futile- pointless. His back's turned, and he's walking away. He didn't see.
Then there's sounds. Bangs. Explosions. Screams? A ton of voices, all together, reduced to single, individual, screams. And the faint sound of helicopter blades cutting between them.
Blinding sun turns into grey gloom. It's raining, he's sure. It's cold. He's cold, and he wants to leave.
And when the screams subside... He crawls. It's muddy. It clings to him, sticks to him, weighs him down and makes moving difficult. And some distance away...]
....
[He's silent. Very silent, deathly silent, his eyes no longer looking, curiously, at Zack's face. Instead, they're lowered, looking to the side, to anywhere but toward him. A single, involuntary tear creeps its way, unbeknownst to him, down his face.]
...I remember now.
[And he hasn't the first idea what to say. Nor can he bring himself to look at him.]
[ Even as Cloud protests, Zack can hear some of the confusion and uncertainty in his voice. It's what he falls back on saying because he's convinced himself of a certain reality, but then Cloud's eyes go unfocused and while Zack can't be sure, he thinks it's finally clicking. A sense of deep, bottomless sorrow with a hint of understanding moves across their bond.
He doesn't speak, not wanting to make an incredibly difficult moment even worse in some way, but he does hold Cloud's hand the whole time. To some extent, he has to relive the moment through their bond just as much as Cloud has to remember it. Zack draws in a shaky breath, squeezes Cloud's hand that much harder; grounding both of them as best he can.
When Cloud finally speaks, Zack tilts his head up from where he'd been staring at the sheets — at nothing, really. Spotting that single tear, he reaches with his free hand to brush it away with the edge of his knuckles. He knows the skin on his hands is rough and hard, but he somehow doubts that Cloud will care. ]
I wasn't trying to keep it from you. I guess I just...
[ He shakes his head and exhales. ]
I thought you knew.
[ And if he'd had any inkling that maybe Cloud didn't know, he hadn't wanted to examine it too closely. ]
So this? [ Another squeeze of Cloud's hand, before he looks up and around them at the cozy cottage room. ] This place is... kind of all I have. Figure I gotta make the best of it, right?
[ Which is why he's so grateful that Cloud is here. And now Aerith, too. Even Sephiroth being here allows him a chance for closure he would have never otherwise found.
What happens back home? That's all up to Cloud now. Zack's entrusted him with that future. Maybe now he understands that. ]
... It was Public Security, right? Which squadron was it?
[It's a fruitless question. One which, as soon as it left his mouth, he knows won't get a proper answer, and even if he was given one, it wouldn't be anything that he could act on. Not here. So it's meaningless, pointless verbalisation of the deep sorrow moving between the pair of them and the suggestion of something else on Cloud's side- an anger. Quiet anger, but something consuming. Something that makes his body lock up and tense when otherwise, all he wants to do is curl up. Something that makes him hold his breath, when otherwise he'd be sobbing. Hell. The only thing that makes him not scream like he did that day is Zack's hand holding onto his.
His head's tilted upward. He feels the rough graze of knuckles against his cheekbone, some wetness (a tear?) being brushed away, and Zack's image is wobbly, distorted in his vision. He blinks it away.]
I didn't. ...I didn't tell you. I had problems with my memory. [An understatement.] Thought I got over it. S'why I didn't tell you. I hated- [No.] hate the thought of making you worry over me. You always had enough to worry about, and I dragged you down back then enough anyway. [A heavy pause.] Didn't want to do the same thing to you here. ...But...
[How could he forget that? He'd known, even after the Lifestream, that there was a disconnect. Zack had to have gone somewhere- between carrying him out of Nibelheim, and what Tifa uncovered, finding him dazed, confused, convulsing, at the Sector 7 train station.
It's horrible. Beyond horrible. He swallows, audibly, realizing suddenly that somehow, his hands reached for Zack's jumper, and is clinging to the fabric of it at the chest.]
...Aerith said the same thing. But, I don't get it. You're... alive. I can feel it- you're breathing. This planet got your body somehow, right? What makes you sure that going back means you're gonna die again? How do you know?
[Logically, it wasn't like the same execution squad would be waiting for him there, right? ...But... there wasn't anything saying that there wouldn't be.
Finally, he takes a breath. It's sorely needed, at this point. A few of them later, and he exhales, his head moving into the crook of the other's neck. His voice is low- a mumble- against his shoulder.]
...Look. Because... this world... [A swallow.] might be... all you got, I don't want to see it end either. Forget about what I said before. You make it worth something. Aerith too, and- [Sephiroth.] him. But I don't want you to give up. None of us know what's gonna happen, right? You might get a chance to go back, as you are.
[Slight pause.]
...So don't give up. Alright? I'll fight for this planet, as long as you don't give up on ours. If... it's all on me, fine. But I want you to try.
[ Cloud's initial question seems baffling at first, until Zack realizes why he's asking. For some misled attempt at revenge? It's all over and done now, there doesn't seem to be much point to it. Especially when they're both here, far away from the legions of soldiers that had gunned Zack down.
Thankfully, Cloud doesn't dwell on that for too long. Memory problems? It makes sense, given how severe his case of mako poisoning had been. Zack holds back a sigh, wishing that Cloud would have been willing to share this with him before. It would have elucidated at least a couple of things that had been bothering him up until now. ]
You're not dragging me down. And you never have.
[ Zack is clear on that point. Is it possible that if he hadn't had Cloud with him, that he might have survived? There's no point in asking a question like that. He never would have left Cloud behind.
Glancing down at Cloud's slim fingers as they clench onto the fabric of his shirt, Zack considers how to answer his question. How does he know? Well, the world clearly kept turning without him. Time has passed since he breathed those last breaths; Cloud and Aerith have confirmed that already. More than that, he remembers the sensation of his consciousness slipping away before he woke up here in Aefenglom. He remembers the cold finality of it. Not that it's something he can so easily explain to someone who's never felt it themselves.
Cloud's face settles in against his neck, and Zack doesn't hesitate to place his hand on his back, rubbing slowly across his shoulder blades. ]
I guess I don't know for sure. Just not sure how what's already done could be undone. But, hey, I guess there's only one way to find out, right?
[ In truth, Zack doubts it will turn out the way that Cloud is hoping, and he's not sure if it's cruel to let him believe there's an outcome that doesn't involve Zack being dead and gone. He doesn't have it in him to argue the point, though. ]
In the meantime, though... [ He pulls back enough that he can look Cloud in the face, and let him get a little more used to his changed eyes. ] This place isn't all bad. Try to focus on the good stuff!
[There's time. While, indeed, anything he could do is pointless, as it's sure as hell not going to change anything- the anger's not gone. The question's dropped, but the feeling is something that lingers.
But.]
If you had, I wouldn't have held it against you. ...I thought... you did. S'the only thing that made sense, since-
[The Lifestream, what Tifa uncovered. His voice is muffled against Zack's shoulder and neck, and after a long pause, he abandons what he's saying entirely. He wouldn't have blamed him. Before learning this, he didn't- Zack getting them both out of Nibelheim was... more than what he could have expected.
Given everything.
It's with a large, shaky inhale he raises his head. And he brings his hands to his own face, rubbing at his eyes, his skin, in some attempt to wipe away exhaustion, stress, and the remnants of blood, tears and stray fur. He shifts, finishing the job with his forearm and wrinkling his nose as... well, he can't help realize there's fur everywhere.. He'll shower. When he's got the energy.]
Wasn't talking about that. It's other things. Screwing up with Hollander, needing you to come running at the reactor... [A pause. His eyes open, ] You always looked after me. Even though sometimes, it felt like you needed help too.
[Especially after the reports came in about Angeal. He never knew, for sure, what exactly took him out. Rank, or lack of it. Grunts just weren't told things like that. Zack never told him, either. There was that forced vacation, and after that... Not being stationed to Zack for a while made it even harder to try and make himself useful to him.
He knew, of course he did- but he couldn't do anything. That, combined with... some breakdown he sure as hell didn't understand, let alone the recovery of said breakdown in Nibelheim's inn made him feel... useless.]
...I didn't want to do that to you again.
[And there's what he says next. His answer- and he gets a distinct impression, like with Aerith, Zack's simply trying to be kind. But even then, he's right. There's one way to find out. And he's got a while with him.
...It doesn't alleviate all of his concern, though. If anything, even if it's far away, one day he'll have to go. And then, they'd see. He can use the time they have until then to get himself at a place where he can.
....And...
Yeah. The good stuff.]
I guess, yeah.
[Another rub at his face. Which turns into a shove at his hair. ...Somehow, it's still intact. And sullenly:]
It's selfish. But... I'm kind of happy Tifa and Aerith're here.
[ Despite the clarification that Cloud offers about how he hadn't done enough to help Zack back then, or about being some sort of burden, Zack still shakes his head. He'd never seen it that way. Cloud's a few years younger than him, for one thing. It hadn't been his job or his responsibility to look after Zack, his senior and a First besides. The fact that he still wanted to just speaks to his character.
As for whether or not Zack needed help back then, well, it's kind of a moot point to dwell on it, right? It had been a lot for one person to take on their shoulders, with everything falling apart around him, with what had happened with Angeal...
If Zack's going to find any kind of closure with all that, it's more likely to be with Sephiroth, much as he might hate to admit it.
Despite the heavy topic, there is a sense of relief too. It's as if he and Cloud are finally on the same page, and Zack's glad that this came up, painful as it might have been to get through it.
Watching as Cloud scrubs at his smudged skin, and seeing the mess that they're sitting in, Zack's once again struck with the reminder that there's a lot to clean up. In his wolf form, Cloud had sort of gotten blood... everywhere. But one thing at a time. ]
Think we've earned the chance to be selfish from time to time. I'm glad, too. [ Zack's struck with a smile as he thinks back to his reunion with Aerith. He doesn't think she's at all regretful that she ended up here, anyway. Tifa he doesn't know as well, but surely Cloud would know. ] You know, it seems like it'd make most sense for them to come stay here. I know they already got their own place, but... this cottage is too big for just us, right?
[ Both Aerith and Nier had shared the space with them, and while only one of them has returned (sans memories), it'd be nice to fill up all the empty rooms again. ]
What Zack says makes him abandon what he's doing, and turn his gaze to him proper. He's smiling as he says it- and... well, yeah. It made sense. Especially if something happened, the houses littering Aefenglom were mostly empty, but all of them aren't exactly moved out of. Furniture litters all of them. From people that had no choice but running.
The Cwlyd wasn't close to the city. But at some point, it was within it. Never mind what happened at Dorschat. Logically, it made sense to share the same roof.]
...You think they'll want to?
[With a wince, he moves his legs to his torso. And he keeps his eyes on Zack's own, taking note of the way the mako makes the gold glint.]
I mean, Nier... [A breath, an attempt to casually mention his name. Despite all of these truths, how that affected him is still his- still very personal.] ... He chose this place, and where it is, 'cause he knew we needed to be away from people. You sure that living with us is a good idea?
[ As far as Zack can tell, there's no reason that Aerith would turn down the offer. Surely she'd want the chance to spend more time with both of them, right? Unless she's already become attached to the place she picked out. It needed some fixing up, but it was pretty cute. Still, that couldn't hold a candle to getting to hang out with them, he's guessing. ]
Don't see why not. And there's no harm in asking.
[ The mention of Nier is quick to grab Zack's attention. He's gathered that he and Cloud were close, even if he hadn't gotten the time to really get to know the guy or learn why that was the case. Given how emotionally draining this conversation has already been, Zack decides to leave that alone for now. ]
Aerith lived with us before, so what's changed? So long as we're open with them about what the full moons are like, I'm sure they'd want to help and look out for us, too.
[ Zack shakes his head, giving Cloud a quick flick on the forehead. ]
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★ night
It may be quiet, but it's not still. Something canine- larger than a dog, but smaller than a conventional wolf makes its way from the woodland which surrounds the building- trotting along stones and gravel with its head lowered as it follows some scent. It's almost silver in the dim gloom the moonlight affords- save for a patch of inky black on its side.
A low whine comes from the creature as its head raises, and it breaks into a run directly toward the house. It leaps mid rush- seemingly catching something with its upper half- an opened window frame- back section and hind legs kicking to inch it upward and in.
It lands in a darkened ground-floor room with a crash, and an instantaneous, shrill, yelp. Immediately, the creature moves its head to its side and it sniffs the patch of dark. A cursory lick is all it affords whatever's there, and it shakes itself before giving out a low whimper. Then the light of the room is switched on.
The creature snarls toward whoever did it- lips curling up and around a mouth full of sharp, sharp teeth, mutated blue eyes burning.]
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Zack's aware of what Cloud does as a turnskin, how he roams out at night to hunt and feed that animalistic side of him. It's something that has to be done, a way to appease his inner beast so that he doesn't lose complete control and harm people during the full moon. Cloud's wanted to maintain some amount of privacy with it, and for all that Zack tends to worry about him, he hasn't wanted to be suffocating either. So he's let him do his thing — he'd clearly been managing it before Zack came to Aefenglom, after all.
Something has gone wrong, though, and Zack has no way of making contact with his Bonded. Not when Cloud's in wolf form with no access to his watch or any other means of communication. Zack's sat up in bed, lacing up his boots as he prepares himself to head out into the woods in search of Cloud, when that crash comes from the other room.
Well, at least he knows how to get home.
Zack rushes over and turns on the lantern, bathing the wolf in light. It's his first time seeing Cloud completely transformed. Much like with everything else, this is something he'd wanted to keep from Zack. There's a pause of surprise, and when the wolf looks up to him with bared teeth and blazing eyes, Zack lifts both arms in an disarming gesture. ]
Cloud, hey, it's fine. [ His voice comes out in a soothing hush, but he frowns when he notices the dried blood matted into the fur at the wolf's side. Well, that explains that. ] What happened?
[ He's pretty sure he won't get a real answer, but that doesn't stop him from asking. ]
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He trots forward, nose twitching curiously as he does, and no, he does not answer. Now- to him anyway- everything Zack said comes out as garbled noise. Nothing he can really make head or tail of, but not anything bad. So. instead of answering, he moves toward him, tentatively at first, but after a few loops around him (final confirmation to him of who it is, since the Chimera Thing was a little more apparent to him like this) and he's on his hind legs instantly, jumping up at him with enough force to (maybe) make him unsteady on his feet.
...Definitely enough force, anyway, but whether or not Zack would collapse under him is in the air. It's not like in this form typical reservations apply.]
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The wolf approaches, clearly interested, and yet Zack doesn't pick up on any of that initial hostility. He isn't going to reach out until he's sure that the wolf trusts him, though, and stays still as the beast circles him a few times, sizing him up.
There's a couple of reasons that he isn't expecting the wolf to jump up at him, its front paws reaching out. First of all, it's injured, which means that it probably shouldn't be straining itself like that in the first place. Secondly, this is Cloud in some form, and he's usually not this forward. Not even close to it.
So there is a brief yelp as the wolf crashes against him, but Zack has enough reaction time that beyond a stumble backward, he does keep his balance. He reaches around to set his hands on the wolf's back, at its shoulder blades, to keep it steady as it balances on its hind legs. ]
Whoa there.
[ He tilts his head to the side now that the wolf is this close, trying to get a look at its flank where it had taken some kind of injury. This at least grants him a decent view of it. ]
You ran into something unfriendly, huh, buddy?
[ First thing's first. He just wants to make sure there's no sign of the Cwyld. ]
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As such, the wolf begins to attempt to climb Zack's body, back legs scrabbling against Zack's own for purchase, tail smacking against his body as it... well, goes berserk. Zack's (well thought out) plan to examine him for any Cwyld might suddenly be a lot harder. Especially when his face gets within reach.
Sorry buddy, here's about ten mlems right to anything he can reach. And a headbutt. And more mlems.]
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The laughing, that's still happening as the wolf shoves its face against his and licks him relentlessly. Is Cloud going to have any memories of this, whether from sustaining that injury or this very excited greeting? Suddenly it's starting to make sense, why he'd insisted Zack never "meet" his wolf form. Boy, oh boy. ]
Hey, I'm happy to see you too, but now probably isn't the time!
[ Zack protests through his laughing, but ultimately falls into a crouch so that he can try to set the wolf down, then holds his hands out to fend off its "attack" for a moment. ]
Come on, chill out for a sec, I need to get a look at you.
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Chasing pucas, digging out animals from their burrows, hell- even making the odd attempt at a human settlement was nothing compared to the sheer, utter joy the creature feels when his weight is supported, when he's shoved up good and close against what his instincts see as family, and he's surrounded in his scent and his warmth.
A few (dozen) mlems later and Zack's crouched, the wolf, from shoulder to head (unceremoniously) over his shoulder (and chewing excitedly on the longer parts of his hair while making some interesting noises of elation) his very waggly back half on the ground again. And despite wiggling, waggling and wagging (and certainly Not chilling out), he's actually in a pretty good position for Zack to make his examination like that.
Said examination should show no sign of infection. Instead, there's a series of grazes from where a number of bullets (A cluster. Maybe buckshot?) have grazed his side, the wolf, obviously, bleeding, but fortunate enough to have had none of the rounds pierce his skin. On the rare occassion Cloud's still enough for Zack to get a really good look, he should see the skin already starting to heal.
But.
The wolf, abruptly, leaps from him, and attempts to charge him, hoping to knock him over. Then it shifts, moving in a zig-zag fashion, away.
...Sorry Zack. Your bestie's got the zoomies.]
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No, the wolf's more or less walking all over him, and while all of it seems to come from a place of deep-seated excitement the likes of which Zack has truly never seen from Cloud, it's still. Well. A lot. In this case, with Zack crouched on the floor, he isn't quite steady enough to keep his balance this time. When the wolf charges at him he's bowled over, landing on his back and catching himself at least partway with his elbows. The wolf takes off then, racing around the room, and man, this is not how he thought his night was going to go.
After pushing himself back up into a cross-legged sit (so as to maybe avoid getting knocked down yet again), he simples watches and waits, figuring that all of this energy will have to dry up at some point. The wound must not be bothering the wolf so much that it can't move freely, but once it's calmed down somewhat, Zack will have to see what he can do about cleaning it out.
It'll be easier when Cloud's human again, but Zack's not sure when that shift will happen. Yet another question he should probably have the answer to, he realizes with a spike of frustration at himself. ]
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...Really, a mako enhanced wolf was hell. Even more so, when it wants to play. However, like all good things, all mortifying things come to an end, and eventually, tongue lolling out of its mouth and panting heavily, the wolf plants itself in front of the chimera, chin squarely on the floor, front legs splayed, and rear end raised in a playful stance- as if to ask, once more, to play.
The wag of his tail is still there. It's less frenetic than before though, and it's obvious that the wolf is breathing heavily, raising its head every now and then to a) pant, and b) try to moisten its nose a little.
Finally, Finally- the wolf lowers itself fully to the ground, and then rolls on its (good) side, pressed up right against Zack's legs.
An opportunity!
...Maybe.
It's just maybe a shame that the wolf's actions thusfar have led to the room being covered in blood, oops.]
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Chances are that Cloud is going to insist on helping, too. Well, they'll cross that bridge when they come to it.
The good news is that it seems like he's finally tired the wolf out enough that he should be able to do something about that wound, to at least clean it out and apply some pressure to it before Cloud shifts back into his human body -- at which point it should be much easier to tend to his injuries.
Zack, having already grabbed the medical supplies they have on hand, therefore takes his opportunity and reaches out with a cloth soaked in warm water to start cleaning the wound and the fur around it. He uses his other hand to rub the wolf between the ears, in what he hopes is a calming gesture. ]
All right, buddy, just relax. It'll be over in no time.
☆ day
But something's wrong. He knows it- he's too hot for a start, and there's something (someone?) at his side, he can feel breathing, smell some kind of scent which is vaguely familiar (comforting?)- close, but not right on top of him, he's pretty sure. But there's some body heat there. On top of his own (impossibly high one, thanks to being turnskin) , it's ....stifling.
And there's the pain in his side.
It's sharp, that's for sure. Some kind of cut? No, a graze? Whatever it is, it's ... irritating. Irritating enough to force him up, and as his upper body rises with a jolt, he realizes... there's a blanket over him.
Okay.
And there's a weight on top of the blanket.
It's...
Tanned skin, a wrinkled vest, and a mop of black hair. Face pointed away. Back right up against him.
His voice is bleary.]
Za-
Zack?
[Not like he's averse to it. But fuck to the what.]
What're you-?
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It wouldn't be a bad idea to drag Cloud to get some proper healing once he wakes up, but it was at least enough to hold him over. More than that, the encounter had been eye-opening in other ways.
Despite their Bond, despite the fact that they live together, despite everything, Zack can't shake the feeling that Cloud's still holding a lot back from him. It was weird, wasn't it, that he'd never even seen his transformed self until there was an emergency. They need to talk more, and there's no reason why they shouldn't, and now feels like the right time.
Zack feels Cloud's now human body shift around in the bed behind him, but he's sat up too quickly for him to do anything about it. Zack shifts around in the bed so that he's facing Cloud, with a mildly chiding expression. ]
Hey, take it easy. [ He glances down toward Cloud's side, where the wound has now been bandaged — he'd managed that much while Cloud slept. A hand reaches out to settle on Cloud's shoulder, to ground him and hold him steady. ] Do you remember anything about last night?
[ It's something he should already know (whether or not Cloud remembers his time as a wolf), but Zack definitely plans to change that now. No more secrets, if he can help it. ]
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[Not the most informative of answers. But he can't help it- not really. The day after a transformation is always one spent drained, always one where he's sluggish, lethargic, and completely un-like himself. Not having a truly freakish amount of strength behind the most simple of movements. Not alert, either. So, case in point, it's all he can do to blink as Zack shifts himself to face him, eyes following his a few seconds after his gaze moves down to his side.
...That's killing him, for a start. He moves the covers. He's shirtless, Old scars he'd normally conceal (but now, doesn't have the energy to) apparent, there's wolf hair everywhere from where it'd fallen out in the night, and... bandages? Tied well. By someone trained. Tidily, a little tight. Military training?
He tentatively peels some away from his skin to examine the underneath. Then Zack's words finally catch upto him. How long ago did he say that?]
Uh.
[His mouth is dry. The taste in it is awful.]
...Not really. It's all a blur after I changed.
[Woodland turning into forest, a scent, the moon. Stars. Forest turning into woodland again. A clearing. Smoke from a chimney? Fences. Shouting.
He turns his gaze back to Zack.]
...Your eyes.
[Hey, they're gold now. He raises a hand from himself, tentatively touching his cheek. ...And he looks grieved. His tone? Concerned.]
Who did that to you?
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He knows plenty about what bullet wounds look like, in any case.
Before he can offer any explanation or context for how Cloud ended up shirtless, bandaged, and in his bed while covered in wolf hair (he'll need to do some serious cleanup soon), his eyes draw Cloud's attention.
Well, it makes sense. Mako eyes are one of their most distinguishing features, so to have that changed is definitely cause for alarm. It's more surprising that Cloud hadn't seen them yet, but with how much their waking hours differ, it makes sense.
Even though they live together, Zack can't shake the feeling of having missed Cloud. It's way too easy for Cloud to avoid Zack, so he'll have to make a concerted effort to see that change from here on out. ]
No one. [ A pause, and he shakes his head, then makes a gesture to the space around them. ] Or... the magic of this world, I guess? Just one of my more recent monster changes.
[ Not that he's going to let the subject linger on him too long. Those eerie, gold eyes shift down toward Cloud's bandages. ] So, I know you don't remember, but any idea of who would have hurt you?
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...He hates them.
More like he hates what they bring back. The thought of that makeshift laboratory underground, of seeing white-coated attendants move around Zack's cylinder, of seeing them put some kind of chemical inside to make him docile, compliant, of seeing them drain the mako, move him out, and put him on the table and-
and-
Zack probably watched the same thing happen to him too.
And he was just as powerless to do anything.
He's sluggish, zoned out, and not-quite there. It feels a little like Zack's moving at a tempo faster to him, to him, the shake of his head and the gesture of his arms practically the same motion. The subject change is natural, but to him, it feels jarring. He shakes his head, lightly. ]
...No clue. I just remember tracking something.
[And. Even if it's not because he's slowed down, it's more the fact he's far more concerned over Zack than himself-]
Does it hurt?
[His eyes move to him again.]
Having those eyes, I mean.
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Yet despite the fact that Cloud is foggy and sluggish in the aftermath of what had turned out to be a very busy night for him, he stays set on the subject of Zack's changes like — well, like a dog with a bone. Zack only barely holds back a sigh. He appreciates the concern, but it's unnecessary, and Cloud should save that energy for himself. ]
Nope. I know it's weird, but... well, if anything, I feel like my vision is better than usual. Can see better in the dark, too.
[ So it comes with its perks, jarring as it might be.
But hey, two can play this game, and Zack isn't going to stop himself from drilling Cloud with questions now that it's come to this. He reaches out to grab a clump of the shed wolf hair, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger. ]
How about you? Does it hurt when you change? How much control do you have over the transformation?
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[There's an intake of breath, and for an instant, it feels as if he's about to say something at Zack's response.
He wanted to apologize. To say to him that he should have been there when it happened. That he must have been freaked out- that hell, he should have been there in general.
But it doesn't come. As abruptly as the breath is taken, it's released into nothing right away. His eyes drop, and he says nothing. He attempts to bring his legs up, to huddle around them, but it's aborted. Namely because doing that hurts.
All he can do is answer.]
Kinda. Hurts more if I try and hold it back, though. Or try and stop halfway. [His eyes raise again.] ...I've got control. I can turn any time I want. [Except...] Mostly. I have to, on a full moon. If I don't turn regularly, the full moon...
[Really hurts. But he doesn't say that. He just shakes his head.]
...What about you?
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He's pretty sure both of them are tired of secrets, anyway. ]
I mean, I only change during the full moon. It's usually after one that one of the changes becomes permanent, like... [ He reaches up to point at his eyes, as if they're not blatantly obvious already. ] But at least I get a preview of what I'll look like once this is all said and done.
[ The gradual changes make this entire process a little easier to swallow. No one wants to lose agency over their own body, to have to watch as parts of them that were familiar change and become anything but. It's not like Zack's the only one, though, not by a long shot, and so there's little reason to complain about it. ]
I'm sorry, Cloud. I should've asked a lot of this stuff way earlier. I didn't want to pry, but when you showed up last night and you were hurt, I realized how little I knew about how the turnskin stuff works.
[ A pause, and then he reaches out to settle his hand on the top of Cloud's head, fingers settling between spikes. ]
You'll take it easy until you heal up completely, right?
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The mention of more to come makes his throat tighten, makes it hard to swallow, makes his hands clench. 'We need to get out of here' he can't help but think, but what can they do?]
It's not your fault.
[It's weird, being apologised to. Especially when it's Zack, when Cloud feels that he's got nothing to be sorry for. He moves his eyes back to him, and lightly, he shrugs his shoulders.]
Wouldn't have told you anyway. [...That sounded awful.] I mean... [Small pause.] I don't know what happened last night. I don't know if it'll happen again.
[If anything, tonight's taught him that he can't do the hunting thing alone. So...]
I'll do what I can so it doesn't.
...But I don't want people knowing about it. Any of it.
[Another pause. That still sounded bad. He turns his eyes upto him.]
It's not like I don't trust you. [This person? More than anyone.] But you've got your own stuff to worry about, right? Like...
[His eyes. He gestures, smelly, to his face.]
I don't want you to worry about me. Or anyone else.
[Speaking of...]
Like Tifa. ...She's here now, too.
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This is just the beginning.
At the mention of Tifa, Zack quickly nods. ] And Aerith, too. But here's the thing, Cloud...
[ Trailing off for a moment, he lets his hand fall from the top of Cloud's head down to his shoulder, which he squeezes. His fingers haven't exactly turned into talons yet, but they're on their way. No doubt Cloud will notice that too, if he hasn't already. ]
Whether you want us to worry or not, we're still going to. You don't have to bear everything alone. We've seen now what might happen if you do, so...
[ If Cloud doesn't want to drag Tifa and Aerith into potential trouble, Zack could understand that. It's not his battle to fight, and he's sure that both of them will give Cloud hell on their own. ]
You can't just close off all the time, all right? We're in this together. We're Bonded, anyway, which means you can't hide everything from me, remember?
[ At that, Zack winks. While he does his best not to read too much into the various sensations that move across their Bond, he's now thinking he should change that. ]
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Besides. Zack's fingers certainly feel sharper as they squeeze his shoulder, the joints of his fingers seem.. different, and... it bothers him. Enough to lower his eyes anyway, but he doesn't pull away.
Even if it's different, in small, hardly explainable ways, it's still him, right?
He raises his eyes.
The bond.
Shit.]
...Sorry. Should've thought about how you were feeling because of me.
[He's got to come out with it now. So, he exhales... flopping himself right back down on the makeshift bed as he does so. And he raises his eyes to the other, moving back a little to make space. A silent invitation for an impromptu huddle? Maybe.]
I've been thinking. Might be a good idea that I stay here. Aerith... when she was last here, said that Meteor falls. I don't get how I can make it right, regardless of her saying I did.
[Whether Zack moves down with him or not, his eyes stay on him. And his expression is fraught, pensive. Should Zack have moved down to follow him, he'd press his forehead lightly against him.]
I'm the one that made it possible for Sephiroth to call Meteor.
...I'm no hero. Never was.
[A pause.]
You? You're a hero. Best one there is. I tried to be like you, and I messed up. Because I'm not you.
[And.]
What I'm saying, is when we get to go home, I want you to go. With Tifa. ... You won't screw things up. Best thing I can do for the Planet is to stop hurting it. Same probably applies to Sephiroth. ...And that other guy. [Fun fact: He still didn't know Yazoo's name.] And this world... it's dying anyway. If something happens, it's just another nail, right?
[Another pause.]
I don't give a damn about this world. Only thing I care about's getting you, her and Aerith off of it.
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Zack doesn't hesitate to join him, settling down so that his side is pressed up against Cloud's back. When Cloud shifts and tilts his head in, their foreheads press, a brief yet important gesture. They're in this together, dammit.
As soon as Cloud mentions that he's been thinking about something, Zack gets the sense that it's not going to lead anywhere good. His fists clench in the sheets, covered in fur though they might be, as he lets Cloud say his piece (despite the very strong urge to cut him off).
When it comes right down to it, this is about Cloud running away again. He doesn't believe that he has it in him to stop Meteor, to undo that mistake and save Gaia, and so he thinks that he should put it on Zack instead. And it's not that Zack wouldn't do everything in his power to save their world if he was in that position, but it doesn't matter, because he can't. It's an impossibility.
Cloud should know that, and the fact that he doesn't digs under Zack's skin. He kept getting this niggling feeling at the back of his mind that something wasn't right when they talked about the aftermath of their escape from Shinra, but he'd always figured Cloud had to know what happened. On the cliffs outside Midgar...
More importantly, Cloud can't put this on Zack. Not because Zack wouldn't love to bear that weight if he could, but because Cloud needs to believe in himself for once. Aerith had even told him that he saved the world, that he stopped Meteor and Sephiroth, but he won't believe it. ]
... It doesn't work that way, Cloud. [ Zack's voice is uncharacteristically quiet as he finally speaks up, shaking his head slowly. He reaches up to set his hand at the back of Cloud's neck, urging him to look up into his eyes -- now shining with gold. ]
You may not care about this world, but for me? It's all I have. I can't go back, I can't stop Meteor. You get it, right? This... this is the end of the line for me.
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What was left was...
Disarming. It was a ton of things.
Mostly, it was Nibelheim. Of that day that Tifa crossed the mountain. Of her lying at the bottom of it. Of how he'd taken her father's question- What the hell is wrong with you- as something really being wrong with him.
Only here, he didn't have people- back then, the village kids- to take it out on. Didn't have the delusion that being wrong meant he was meant for something more, either. And that, back then, both the combination of acting out in anger, of thinking he was like Sephiroth- different, meant for better things- sustained him.
Now?
...Aerith and Tifa returning helped. It's two things he'd taken as his fault resolved. But it didn't fix things.
He can't articulate it. But when Zack presses his head against his, he feels better. Strangely better. It calls back their escape. How, barely conscious, back then he'd felt his sickness (slightly) alleviate via the familiar press of him. ...Not like he knew, but they roughed it a lot then. And he can't place how, or when. Or why- but it's comforting.
He's averse to touching most people.
But this is fine.
He doesn't complain when he feels the other's hand move to the back of his neck. Nor does he resist when he feels his fingers press at his neck, tilting his head upward. He meets his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing- if only because they looked so sad.]
What d'you mean?
[The tone of his voice is uncertain, unsteady. And by looking into his face, the confusion on it- Zack should know now, for sure. He's genuinely got no idea of what happened in the wasteland.]
We got separated. But you got away, right? You...
[He winces as a memory suddenly comes- painfully.
A truckbed. The vibration of an engine.
Some guitar tune on an old, crackly radio.
The sun in his eyes.
...He feels sick.]
...Said...
[He was going to be a mercenary?]
Ugh.
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But also, making sure that they slept close enough to each other that Zack would wake up if something was wrong, if Cloud started to groan in distress or threw up in his sleep.
Yeah, that had been a time. Not that Zack regrets a moment of it, when Cloud is right here, well enough to talk to him.
But maybe he should have known that Cloud wouldn't really remember what had happened on that day. He'd been so out of it, had been for the weeks and weeks that they'd been traveling, so why would he? Zack had convinced himself Cloud must know, because having to break it to him seemed that much worse.
Zack heaves out a sigh, glancing down at the space between them. He moves his hand to reach out for Cloud's hand, clasping it tight within his own, and shakes his head. ]
I said...
[ There's a long pause. This is going to hurt. Maybe more than he can even guess. But Cloud needs to know. ]
That were you gonna be my living legacy. I gave you my sword... before...
[ He trails off. But he needs to speak the words, doesn't he? ]
The amount of times they shot me... Even for a SOLDIER, there was no coming back from that.
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[You're lying. That's what he wants to say. It's a desperate thought. Something that permeates everything- his unease at the long pause, confusion at Zack's sudden stare at the distance between them, rather than his face. There's no way.
Even if he can't find an angle for it, any reason why Zack would lie about this, any reason for him to lie to him in general, everything in him that'd sought to protect him can't allow him to believe it. ]
No, that's not right, that's-
[It's weak. So weak, his voice. If anything, because his head's killing him.]
-You're not just some SOLDIER.
[You're a First-, he wants to say. That made the difference. Shinra could toss a whole squadron at him and-
The truckbed, again.
The memory makes him feel sick, again.
This time, he can hear voices.
Some old guy's voice is fuzzy, blurred out into the sound of the radio. Maybe because it wasn't important. But Zack's voice is clear. He's saying something about going to Midgar, and...
Around them. Yeah, it's the wasteland. They must almost be there.
There's a bang. A cry to get down. He's shoved down and set on some rocks? Something's hard against his back.
His hair's ruffled.
His head jerks forward, and there's a faint complaint, some ache in his neck at it. He hears an amused sound. Then something shifts. The sun's in his eyes again, and...
...He raised his hand, right? He didn't want him to go. But it's futile- pointless. His back's turned, and he's walking away. He didn't see.
Then there's sounds.
Bangs. Explosions. Screams? A ton of voices, all together, reduced to single, individual, screams. And the faint sound of helicopter blades cutting between them.
Blinding sun turns into grey gloom.
It's raining, he's sure. It's cold. He's cold, and he wants to leave.
And when the screams subside...
He crawls. It's muddy. It clings to him, sticks to him, weighs him down and makes moving difficult. And some distance away...]
....
[He's silent. Very silent, deathly silent, his eyes no longer looking, curiously, at Zack's face. Instead, they're lowered, looking to the side, to anywhere but toward him. A single, involuntary tear creeps its way, unbeknownst to him, down his face.]
...I remember now.
[And he hasn't the first idea what to say. Nor can he bring himself to look at him.]
...
[He can't speak.]
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He doesn't speak, not wanting to make an incredibly difficult moment even worse in some way, but he does hold Cloud's hand the whole time. To some extent, he has to relive the moment through their bond just as much as Cloud has to remember it. Zack draws in a shaky breath, squeezes Cloud's hand that much harder; grounding both of them as best he can.
When Cloud finally speaks, Zack tilts his head up from where he'd been staring at the sheets — at nothing, really. Spotting that single tear, he reaches with his free hand to brush it away with the edge of his knuckles. He knows the skin on his hands is rough and hard, but he somehow doubts that Cloud will care. ]
I wasn't trying to keep it from you. I guess I just...
[ He shakes his head and exhales. ]
I thought you knew.
[ And if he'd had any inkling that maybe Cloud didn't know, he hadn't wanted to examine it too closely. ]
So this? [ Another squeeze of Cloud's hand, before he looks up and around them at the cozy cottage room. ] This place is... kind of all I have. Figure I gotta make the best of it, right?
[ Which is why he's so grateful that Cloud is here. And now Aerith, too. Even Sephiroth being here allows him a chance for closure he would have never otherwise found.
What happens back home? That's all up to Cloud now. Zack's entrusted him with that future. Maybe now he understands that. ]
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[It's a fruitless question. One which, as soon as it left his mouth, he knows won't get a proper answer, and even if he was given one, it wouldn't be anything that he could act on. Not here. So it's meaningless, pointless verbalisation of the deep sorrow moving between the pair of them and the suggestion of something else on Cloud's side- an anger. Quiet anger, but something consuming. Something that makes his body lock up and tense when otherwise, all he wants to do is curl up. Something that makes him hold his breath, when otherwise he'd be sobbing. Hell. The only thing that makes him not scream like he did that day is Zack's hand holding onto his.
His head's tilted upward. He feels the rough graze of knuckles against his cheekbone, some wetness (a tear?) being brushed away, and Zack's image is wobbly, distorted in his vision. He blinks it away.]
I didn't. ...I didn't tell you. I had problems with my memory. [An understatement.] Thought I got over it. S'why I didn't tell you. I hated- [No.] hate the thought of making you worry over me. You always had enough to worry about, and I dragged you down back then enough anyway. [A heavy pause.] Didn't want to do the same thing to you here. ...But...
[How could he forget that? He'd known, even after the Lifestream, that there was a disconnect. Zack had to have gone somewhere- between carrying him out of Nibelheim, and what Tifa uncovered, finding him dazed, confused, convulsing, at the Sector 7 train station.
It's horrible.
Beyond horrible. He swallows, audibly, realizing suddenly that somehow, his hands reached for Zack's jumper, and is clinging to the fabric of it at the chest.]
...Aerith said the same thing. But, I don't get it. You're... alive. I can feel it- you're breathing. This planet got your body somehow, right? What makes you sure that going back means you're gonna die again? How do you know?
[Logically, it wasn't like the same execution squad would be waiting for him there, right? ...But... there wasn't anything saying that there wouldn't be.
Finally, he takes a breath. It's sorely needed, at this point. A few of them later, and he exhales, his head moving into the crook of the other's neck. His voice is low- a mumble- against his shoulder.]
...Look. Because... this world... [A swallow.] might be... all you got, I don't want to see it end either. Forget about what I said before. You make it worth something. Aerith too, and- [Sephiroth.] him. But I don't want you to give up. None of us know what's gonna happen, right? You might get a chance to go back, as you are.
[Slight pause.]
...So don't give up. Alright? I'll fight for this planet, as long as you don't give up on ours. If... it's all on me, fine. But I want you to try.
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Thankfully, Cloud doesn't dwell on that for too long. Memory problems? It makes sense, given how severe his case of mako poisoning had been. Zack holds back a sigh, wishing that Cloud would have been willing to share this with him before. It would have elucidated at least a couple of things that had been bothering him up until now. ]
You're not dragging me down. And you never have.
[ Zack is clear on that point. Is it possible that if he hadn't had Cloud with him, that he might have survived? There's no point in asking a question like that. He never would have left Cloud behind.
Glancing down at Cloud's slim fingers as they clench onto the fabric of his shirt, Zack considers how to answer his question. How does he know? Well, the world clearly kept turning without him. Time has passed since he breathed those last breaths; Cloud and Aerith have confirmed that already. More than that, he remembers the sensation of his consciousness slipping away before he woke up here in Aefenglom. He remembers the cold finality of it. Not that it's something he can so easily explain to someone who's never felt it themselves.
Cloud's face settles in against his neck, and Zack doesn't hesitate to place his hand on his back, rubbing slowly across his shoulder blades. ]
I guess I don't know for sure. Just not sure how what's already done could be undone. But, hey, I guess there's only one way to find out, right?
[ In truth, Zack doubts it will turn out the way that Cloud is hoping, and he's not sure if it's cruel to let him believe there's an outcome that doesn't involve Zack being dead and gone. He doesn't have it in him to argue the point, though. ]
In the meantime, though... [ He pulls back enough that he can look Cloud in the face, and let him get a little more used to his changed eyes. ] This place isn't all bad. Try to focus on the good stuff!
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But.]
If you had, I wouldn't have held it against you. ...I thought... you did. S'the only thing that made sense, since-
[The Lifestream, what Tifa uncovered. His voice is muffled against Zack's shoulder and neck, and after a long pause, he abandons what he's saying entirely. He wouldn't have blamed him. Before learning this, he didn't- Zack getting them both out of Nibelheim was... more than what he could have expected.
Given everything.
It's with a large, shaky inhale he raises his head. And he brings his hands to his own face, rubbing at his eyes, his skin, in some attempt to wipe away exhaustion, stress, and the remnants of blood, tears and stray fur. He shifts, finishing the job with his forearm and wrinkling his nose as... well, he can't help realize there's fur everywhere.. He'll shower. When he's got the energy.]
Wasn't talking about that. It's other things. Screwing up with Hollander, needing you to come running at the reactor... [A pause. His eyes open, ] You always looked after me. Even though sometimes, it felt like you needed help too.
[Especially after the reports came in about Angeal. He never knew, for sure, what exactly took him out. Rank, or lack of it. Grunts just weren't told things like that. Zack never told him, either. There was that forced vacation, and after that... Not being stationed to Zack for a while made it even harder to try and make himself useful to him.
He knew, of course he did- but he couldn't do anything. That, combined with... some breakdown he sure as hell didn't understand, let alone the recovery of said breakdown in Nibelheim's inn made him feel... useless.]
...I didn't want to do that to you again.
[And there's what he says next. His answer- and he gets a distinct impression, like with Aerith, Zack's simply trying to be kind. But even then, he's right. There's one way to find out. And he's got a while with him.
...It doesn't alleviate all of his concern, though. If anything, even if it's far away, one day he'll have to go. And then, they'd see. He can use the time they have until then to get himself at a place where he can.
....And...
Yeah.
The good stuff.]
I guess, yeah.
[Another rub at his face. Which turns into a shove at his hair. ...Somehow, it's still intact. And sullenly:]
It's selfish. But... I'm kind of happy Tifa and Aerith're here.
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As for whether or not Zack needed help back then, well, it's kind of a moot point to dwell on it, right? It had been a lot for one person to take on their shoulders, with everything falling apart around him, with what had happened with Angeal...
If Zack's going to find any kind of closure with all that, it's more likely to be with Sephiroth, much as he might hate to admit it.
Despite the heavy topic, there is a sense of relief too. It's as if he and Cloud are finally on the same page, and Zack's glad that this came up, painful as it might have been to get through it.
Watching as Cloud scrubs at his smudged skin, and seeing the mess that they're sitting in, Zack's once again struck with the reminder that there's a lot to clean up. In his wolf form, Cloud had sort of gotten blood... everywhere. But one thing at a time. ]
Think we've earned the chance to be selfish from time to time. I'm glad, too. [ Zack's struck with a smile as he thinks back to his reunion with Aerith. He doesn't think she's at all regretful that she ended up here, anyway. Tifa he doesn't know as well, but surely Cloud would know. ] You know, it seems like it'd make most sense for them to come stay here. I know they already got their own place, but... this cottage is too big for just us, right?
[ Both Aerith and Nier had shared the space with them, and while only one of them has returned (sans memories), it'd be nice to fill up all the empty rooms again. ]
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What Zack says makes him abandon what he's doing, and turn his gaze to him proper. He's smiling as he says it- and... well, yeah. It made sense. Especially if something happened, the houses littering Aefenglom were mostly empty, but all of them aren't exactly moved out of. Furniture litters all of them. From people that had no choice but running.
The Cwlyd wasn't close to the city. But at some point, it was within it. Never mind what happened at Dorschat. Logically, it made sense to share the same roof.]
...You think they'll want to?
[With a wince, he moves his legs to his torso. And he keeps his eyes on Zack's own, taking note of the way the mako makes the gold glint.]
I mean, Nier... [A breath, an attempt to casually mention his name. Despite all of these truths, how that affected him is still his- still very personal.] ... He chose this place, and where it is, 'cause he knew we needed to be away from people. You sure that living with us is a good idea?
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Don't see why not. And there's no harm in asking.
[ The mention of Nier is quick to grab Zack's attention. He's gathered that he and Cloud were close, even if he hadn't gotten the time to really get to know the guy or learn why that was the case. Given how emotionally draining this conversation has already been, Zack decides to leave that alone for now. ]
Aerith lived with us before, so what's changed? So long as we're open with them about what the full moons are like, I'm sure they'd want to help and look out for us, too.
[ Zack shakes his head, giving Cloud a quick flick on the forehead. ]
You're overthinking it.