Who: cloud strife and zack fair. When: early december! Where: a house on the outskirts of town. What: a talk, and it's been a long time coming. Warnings: none presently!
[He hates the apologizing himself. But it feels warranted. If anything, because the Lifestream, what happened in it, scrubbed away so many things. His front, learned habits that... well, were Zack's, passed off as his own, as well as so many other things. A preconceived notion of what a First Class should be like, for a start.
What was left was... Disarming. It was a ton of things. Mostly, it was Nibelheim. Of that day that Tifa crossed the mountain. Of her lying at the bottom of it. Of how he'd taken her father's question- What the hell is wrong with you- as something really being wrong with him.
Only here, he didn't have people- back then, the village kids- to take it out on. Didn't have the delusion that being wrong meant he was meant for something more, either. And that, back then, both the combination of acting out in anger, of thinking he was like Sephiroth- different, meant for better things- sustained him.
Now? ...Aerith and Tifa returning helped. It's two things he'd taken as his fault resolved. But it didn't fix things.
He can't articulate it. But when Zack presses his head against his, he feels better. Strangely better. It calls back their escape. How, barely conscious, back then he'd felt his sickness (slightly) alleviate via the familiar press of him. ...Not like he knew, but they roughed it a lot then. And he can't place how, or when. Or why- but it's comforting.
He's averse to touching most people. But this is fine.
He doesn't complain when he feels the other's hand move to the back of his neck. Nor does he resist when he feels his fingers press at his neck, tilting his head upward. He meets his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing- if only because they looked so sad.]
What d'you mean?
[The tone of his voice is uncertain, unsteady. And by looking into his face, the confusion on it- Zack should know now, for sure. He's genuinely got no idea of what happened in the wasteland.]
We got separated. But you got away, right? You...
[He winces as a memory suddenly comes- painfully. A truckbed. The vibration of an engine. Some guitar tune on an old, crackly radio. The sun in his eyes.
[ Being casually physical with Cloud is truly something that Zack doesn't think twice about at this point, and it's actually got nothing to do with them being bonded. Given that he'd basically dragged Cloud across a continent and a half, there had been a lot of handling wrapped up in that. Letting Cloud lean most of his weight against his side as they walked, picking him up and putting him in the sidecar of a motorcycle, giving him piggyback rides when he needed to be quicker...
But also, making sure that they slept close enough to each other that Zack would wake up if something was wrong, if Cloud started to groan in distress or threw up in his sleep.
Yeah, that had been a time. Not that Zack regrets a moment of it, when Cloud is right here, well enough to talk to him.
But maybe he should have known that Cloud wouldn't really remember what had happened on that day. He'd been so out of it, had been for the weeks and weeks that they'd been traveling, so why would he? Zack had convinced himself Cloud must know, because having to break it to him seemed that much worse.
Zack heaves out a sigh, glancing down at the space between them. He moves his hand to reach out for Cloud's hand, clasping it tight within his own, and shakes his head. ]
I said...
[ There's a long pause. This is going to hurt. Maybe more than he can even guess. But Cloud needs to know. ]
That were you gonna be my living legacy. I gave you my sword... before...
[ He trails off. But he needs to speak the words, doesn't he? ]
The amount of times they shot me... Even for a SOLDIER, there was no coming back from that.
[You're lying. That's what he wants to say. It's a desperate thought. Something that permeates everything- his unease at the long pause, confusion at Zack's sudden stare at the distance between them, rather than his face. There's no way.
Even if he can't find an angle for it, any reason why Zack would lie about this, any reason for him to lie to him in general, everything in him that'd sought to protect him can't allow him to believe it. ]
No, that's not right, that's-
[It's weak. So weak, his voice. If anything, because his head's killing him.]
-You're not just some SOLDIER.
[You're a First-, he wants to say. That made the difference. Shinra could toss a whole squadron at him and-
The truckbed, again. The memory makes him feel sick, again.
This time, he can hear voices. Some old guy's voice is fuzzy, blurred out into the sound of the radio. Maybe because it wasn't important. But Zack's voice is clear. He's saying something about going to Midgar, and...
Around them. Yeah, it's the wasteland. They must almost be there. There's a bang. A cry to get down. He's shoved down and set on some rocks? Something's hard against his back.
His hair's ruffled. His head jerks forward, and there's a faint complaint, some ache in his neck at it. He hears an amused sound. Then something shifts. The sun's in his eyes again, and...
...He raised his hand, right? He didn't want him to go. But it's futile- pointless. His back's turned, and he's walking away. He didn't see.
Then there's sounds. Bangs. Explosions. Screams? A ton of voices, all together, reduced to single, individual, screams. And the faint sound of helicopter blades cutting between them.
Blinding sun turns into grey gloom. It's raining, he's sure. It's cold. He's cold, and he wants to leave.
And when the screams subside... He crawls. It's muddy. It clings to him, sticks to him, weighs him down and makes moving difficult. And some distance away...]
....
[He's silent. Very silent, deathly silent, his eyes no longer looking, curiously, at Zack's face. Instead, they're lowered, looking to the side, to anywhere but toward him. A single, involuntary tear creeps its way, unbeknownst to him, down his face.]
...I remember now.
[And he hasn't the first idea what to say. Nor can he bring himself to look at him.]
[ Even as Cloud protests, Zack can hear some of the confusion and uncertainty in his voice. It's what he falls back on saying because he's convinced himself of a certain reality, but then Cloud's eyes go unfocused and while Zack can't be sure, he thinks it's finally clicking. A sense of deep, bottomless sorrow with a hint of understanding moves across their bond.
He doesn't speak, not wanting to make an incredibly difficult moment even worse in some way, but he does hold Cloud's hand the whole time. To some extent, he has to relive the moment through their bond just as much as Cloud has to remember it. Zack draws in a shaky breath, squeezes Cloud's hand that much harder; grounding both of them as best he can.
When Cloud finally speaks, Zack tilts his head up from where he'd been staring at the sheets — at nothing, really. Spotting that single tear, he reaches with his free hand to brush it away with the edge of his knuckles. He knows the skin on his hands is rough and hard, but he somehow doubts that Cloud will care. ]
I wasn't trying to keep it from you. I guess I just...
[ He shakes his head and exhales. ]
I thought you knew.
[ And if he'd had any inkling that maybe Cloud didn't know, he hadn't wanted to examine it too closely. ]
So this? [ Another squeeze of Cloud's hand, before he looks up and around them at the cozy cottage room. ] This place is... kind of all I have. Figure I gotta make the best of it, right?
[ Which is why he's so grateful that Cloud is here. And now Aerith, too. Even Sephiroth being here allows him a chance for closure he would have never otherwise found.
What happens back home? That's all up to Cloud now. Zack's entrusted him with that future. Maybe now he understands that. ]
... It was Public Security, right? Which squadron was it?
[It's a fruitless question. One which, as soon as it left his mouth, he knows won't get a proper answer, and even if he was given one, it wouldn't be anything that he could act on. Not here. So it's meaningless, pointless verbalisation of the deep sorrow moving between the pair of them and the suggestion of something else on Cloud's side- an anger. Quiet anger, but something consuming. Something that makes his body lock up and tense when otherwise, all he wants to do is curl up. Something that makes him hold his breath, when otherwise he'd be sobbing. Hell. The only thing that makes him not scream like he did that day is Zack's hand holding onto his.
His head's tilted upward. He feels the rough graze of knuckles against his cheekbone, some wetness (a tear?) being brushed away, and Zack's image is wobbly, distorted in his vision. He blinks it away.]
I didn't. ...I didn't tell you. I had problems with my memory. [An understatement.] Thought I got over it. S'why I didn't tell you. I hated- [No.] hate the thought of making you worry over me. You always had enough to worry about, and I dragged you down back then enough anyway. [A heavy pause.] Didn't want to do the same thing to you here. ...But...
[How could he forget that? He'd known, even after the Lifestream, that there was a disconnect. Zack had to have gone somewhere- between carrying him out of Nibelheim, and what Tifa uncovered, finding him dazed, confused, convulsing, at the Sector 7 train station.
It's horrible. Beyond horrible. He swallows, audibly, realizing suddenly that somehow, his hands reached for Zack's jumper, and is clinging to the fabric of it at the chest.]
...Aerith said the same thing. But, I don't get it. You're... alive. I can feel it- you're breathing. This planet got your body somehow, right? What makes you sure that going back means you're gonna die again? How do you know?
[Logically, it wasn't like the same execution squad would be waiting for him there, right? ...But... there wasn't anything saying that there wouldn't be.
Finally, he takes a breath. It's sorely needed, at this point. A few of them later, and he exhales, his head moving into the crook of the other's neck. His voice is low- a mumble- against his shoulder.]
...Look. Because... this world... [A swallow.] might be... all you got, I don't want to see it end either. Forget about what I said before. You make it worth something. Aerith too, and- [Sephiroth.] him. But I don't want you to give up. None of us know what's gonna happen, right? You might get a chance to go back, as you are.
[Slight pause.]
...So don't give up. Alright? I'll fight for this planet, as long as you don't give up on ours. If... it's all on me, fine. But I want you to try.
[ Cloud's initial question seems baffling at first, until Zack realizes why he's asking. For some misled attempt at revenge? It's all over and done now, there doesn't seem to be much point to it. Especially when they're both here, far away from the legions of soldiers that had gunned Zack down.
Thankfully, Cloud doesn't dwell on that for too long. Memory problems? It makes sense, given how severe his case of mako poisoning had been. Zack holds back a sigh, wishing that Cloud would have been willing to share this with him before. It would have elucidated at least a couple of things that had been bothering him up until now. ]
You're not dragging me down. And you never have.
[ Zack is clear on that point. Is it possible that if he hadn't had Cloud with him, that he might have survived? There's no point in asking a question like that. He never would have left Cloud behind.
Glancing down at Cloud's slim fingers as they clench onto the fabric of his shirt, Zack considers how to answer his question. How does he know? Well, the world clearly kept turning without him. Time has passed since he breathed those last breaths; Cloud and Aerith have confirmed that already. More than that, he remembers the sensation of his consciousness slipping away before he woke up here in Aefenglom. He remembers the cold finality of it. Not that it's something he can so easily explain to someone who's never felt it themselves.
Cloud's face settles in against his neck, and Zack doesn't hesitate to place his hand on his back, rubbing slowly across his shoulder blades. ]
I guess I don't know for sure. Just not sure how what's already done could be undone. But, hey, I guess there's only one way to find out, right?
[ In truth, Zack doubts it will turn out the way that Cloud is hoping, and he's not sure if it's cruel to let him believe there's an outcome that doesn't involve Zack being dead and gone. He doesn't have it in him to argue the point, though. ]
In the meantime, though... [ He pulls back enough that he can look Cloud in the face, and let him get a little more used to his changed eyes. ] This place isn't all bad. Try to focus on the good stuff!
[There's time. While, indeed, anything he could do is pointless, as it's sure as hell not going to change anything- the anger's not gone. The question's dropped, but the feeling is something that lingers.
But.]
If you had, I wouldn't have held it against you. ...I thought... you did. S'the only thing that made sense, since-
[The Lifestream, what Tifa uncovered. His voice is muffled against Zack's shoulder and neck, and after a long pause, he abandons what he's saying entirely. He wouldn't have blamed him. Before learning this, he didn't- Zack getting them both out of Nibelheim was... more than what he could have expected.
Given everything.
It's with a large, shaky inhale he raises his head. And he brings his hands to his own face, rubbing at his eyes, his skin, in some attempt to wipe away exhaustion, stress, and the remnants of blood, tears and stray fur. He shifts, finishing the job with his forearm and wrinkling his nose as... well, he can't help realize there's fur everywhere.. He'll shower. When he's got the energy.]
Wasn't talking about that. It's other things. Screwing up with Hollander, needing you to come running at the reactor... [A pause. His eyes open, ] You always looked after me. Even though sometimes, it felt like you needed help too.
[Especially after the reports came in about Angeal. He never knew, for sure, what exactly took him out. Rank, or lack of it. Grunts just weren't told things like that. Zack never told him, either. There was that forced vacation, and after that... Not being stationed to Zack for a while made it even harder to try and make himself useful to him.
He knew, of course he did- but he couldn't do anything. That, combined with... some breakdown he sure as hell didn't understand, let alone the recovery of said breakdown in Nibelheim's inn made him feel... useless.]
...I didn't want to do that to you again.
[And there's what he says next. His answer- and he gets a distinct impression, like with Aerith, Zack's simply trying to be kind. But even then, he's right. There's one way to find out. And he's got a while with him.
...It doesn't alleviate all of his concern, though. If anything, even if it's far away, one day he'll have to go. And then, they'd see. He can use the time they have until then to get himself at a place where he can.
....And...
Yeah. The good stuff.]
I guess, yeah.
[Another rub at his face. Which turns into a shove at his hair. ...Somehow, it's still intact. And sullenly:]
It's selfish. But... I'm kind of happy Tifa and Aerith're here.
[ Despite the clarification that Cloud offers about how he hadn't done enough to help Zack back then, or about being some sort of burden, Zack still shakes his head. He'd never seen it that way. Cloud's a few years younger than him, for one thing. It hadn't been his job or his responsibility to look after Zack, his senior and a First besides. The fact that he still wanted to just speaks to his character.
As for whether or not Zack needed help back then, well, it's kind of a moot point to dwell on it, right? It had been a lot for one person to take on their shoulders, with everything falling apart around him, with what had happened with Angeal...
If Zack's going to find any kind of closure with all that, it's more likely to be with Sephiroth, much as he might hate to admit it.
Despite the heavy topic, there is a sense of relief too. It's as if he and Cloud are finally on the same page, and Zack's glad that this came up, painful as it might have been to get through it.
Watching as Cloud scrubs at his smudged skin, and seeing the mess that they're sitting in, Zack's once again struck with the reminder that there's a lot to clean up. In his wolf form, Cloud had sort of gotten blood... everywhere. But one thing at a time. ]
Think we've earned the chance to be selfish from time to time. I'm glad, too. [ Zack's struck with a smile as he thinks back to his reunion with Aerith. He doesn't think she's at all regretful that she ended up here, anyway. Tifa he doesn't know as well, but surely Cloud would know. ] You know, it seems like it'd make most sense for them to come stay here. I know they already got their own place, but... this cottage is too big for just us, right?
[ Both Aerith and Nier had shared the space with them, and while only one of them has returned (sans memories), it'd be nice to fill up all the empty rooms again. ]
What Zack says makes him abandon what he's doing, and turn his gaze to him proper. He's smiling as he says it- and... well, yeah. It made sense. Especially if something happened, the houses littering Aefenglom were mostly empty, but all of them aren't exactly moved out of. Furniture litters all of them. From people that had no choice but running.
The Cwlyd wasn't close to the city. But at some point, it was within it. Never mind what happened at Dorschat. Logically, it made sense to share the same roof.]
...You think they'll want to?
[With a wince, he moves his legs to his torso. And he keeps his eyes on Zack's own, taking note of the way the mako makes the gold glint.]
I mean, Nier... [A breath, an attempt to casually mention his name. Despite all of these truths, how that affected him is still his- still very personal.] ... He chose this place, and where it is, 'cause he knew we needed to be away from people. You sure that living with us is a good idea?
[ As far as Zack can tell, there's no reason that Aerith would turn down the offer. Surely she'd want the chance to spend more time with both of them, right? Unless she's already become attached to the place she picked out. It needed some fixing up, but it was pretty cute. Still, that couldn't hold a candle to getting to hang out with them, he's guessing. ]
Don't see why not. And there's no harm in asking.
[ The mention of Nier is quick to grab Zack's attention. He's gathered that he and Cloud were close, even if he hadn't gotten the time to really get to know the guy or learn why that was the case. Given how emotionally draining this conversation has already been, Zack decides to leave that alone for now. ]
Aerith lived with us before, so what's changed? So long as we're open with them about what the full moons are like, I'm sure they'd want to help and look out for us, too.
[ Zack shakes his head, giving Cloud a quick flick on the forehead. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
What was left was...
Disarming. It was a ton of things.
Mostly, it was Nibelheim. Of that day that Tifa crossed the mountain. Of her lying at the bottom of it. Of how he'd taken her father's question- What the hell is wrong with you- as something really being wrong with him.
Only here, he didn't have people- back then, the village kids- to take it out on. Didn't have the delusion that being wrong meant he was meant for something more, either. And that, back then, both the combination of acting out in anger, of thinking he was like Sephiroth- different, meant for better things- sustained him.
Now?
...Aerith and Tifa returning helped. It's two things he'd taken as his fault resolved. But it didn't fix things.
He can't articulate it. But when Zack presses his head against his, he feels better. Strangely better. It calls back their escape. How, barely conscious, back then he'd felt his sickness (slightly) alleviate via the familiar press of him. ...Not like he knew, but they roughed it a lot then. And he can't place how, or when. Or why- but it's comforting.
He's averse to touching most people.
But this is fine.
He doesn't complain when he feels the other's hand move to the back of his neck. Nor does he resist when he feels his fingers press at his neck, tilting his head upward. He meets his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing- if only because they looked so sad.]
What d'you mean?
[The tone of his voice is uncertain, unsteady. And by looking into his face, the confusion on it- Zack should know now, for sure. He's genuinely got no idea of what happened in the wasteland.]
We got separated. But you got away, right? You...
[He winces as a memory suddenly comes- painfully.
A truckbed. The vibration of an engine.
Some guitar tune on an old, crackly radio.
The sun in his eyes.
...He feels sick.]
...Said...
[He was going to be a mercenary?]
Ugh.
no subject
But also, making sure that they slept close enough to each other that Zack would wake up if something was wrong, if Cloud started to groan in distress or threw up in his sleep.
Yeah, that had been a time. Not that Zack regrets a moment of it, when Cloud is right here, well enough to talk to him.
But maybe he should have known that Cloud wouldn't really remember what had happened on that day. He'd been so out of it, had been for the weeks and weeks that they'd been traveling, so why would he? Zack had convinced himself Cloud must know, because having to break it to him seemed that much worse.
Zack heaves out a sigh, glancing down at the space between them. He moves his hand to reach out for Cloud's hand, clasping it tight within his own, and shakes his head. ]
I said...
[ There's a long pause. This is going to hurt. Maybe more than he can even guess. But Cloud needs to know. ]
That were you gonna be my living legacy. I gave you my sword... before...
[ He trails off. But he needs to speak the words, doesn't he? ]
The amount of times they shot me... Even for a SOLDIER, there was no coming back from that.
no subject
[You're lying. That's what he wants to say. It's a desperate thought. Something that permeates everything- his unease at the long pause, confusion at Zack's sudden stare at the distance between them, rather than his face. There's no way.
Even if he can't find an angle for it, any reason why Zack would lie about this, any reason for him to lie to him in general, everything in him that'd sought to protect him can't allow him to believe it. ]
No, that's not right, that's-
[It's weak. So weak, his voice. If anything, because his head's killing him.]
-You're not just some SOLDIER.
[You're a First-, he wants to say. That made the difference. Shinra could toss a whole squadron at him and-
The truckbed, again.
The memory makes him feel sick, again.
This time, he can hear voices.
Some old guy's voice is fuzzy, blurred out into the sound of the radio. Maybe because it wasn't important. But Zack's voice is clear. He's saying something about going to Midgar, and...
Around them. Yeah, it's the wasteland. They must almost be there.
There's a bang. A cry to get down. He's shoved down and set on some rocks? Something's hard against his back.
His hair's ruffled.
His head jerks forward, and there's a faint complaint, some ache in his neck at it. He hears an amused sound. Then something shifts. The sun's in his eyes again, and...
...He raised his hand, right? He didn't want him to go. But it's futile- pointless. His back's turned, and he's walking away. He didn't see.
Then there's sounds.
Bangs. Explosions. Screams? A ton of voices, all together, reduced to single, individual, screams. And the faint sound of helicopter blades cutting between them.
Blinding sun turns into grey gloom.
It's raining, he's sure. It's cold. He's cold, and he wants to leave.
And when the screams subside...
He crawls. It's muddy. It clings to him, sticks to him, weighs him down and makes moving difficult. And some distance away...]
....
[He's silent. Very silent, deathly silent, his eyes no longer looking, curiously, at Zack's face. Instead, they're lowered, looking to the side, to anywhere but toward him. A single, involuntary tear creeps its way, unbeknownst to him, down his face.]
...I remember now.
[And he hasn't the first idea what to say. Nor can he bring himself to look at him.]
...
[He can't speak.]
no subject
He doesn't speak, not wanting to make an incredibly difficult moment even worse in some way, but he does hold Cloud's hand the whole time. To some extent, he has to relive the moment through their bond just as much as Cloud has to remember it. Zack draws in a shaky breath, squeezes Cloud's hand that much harder; grounding both of them as best he can.
When Cloud finally speaks, Zack tilts his head up from where he'd been staring at the sheets — at nothing, really. Spotting that single tear, he reaches with his free hand to brush it away with the edge of his knuckles. He knows the skin on his hands is rough and hard, but he somehow doubts that Cloud will care. ]
I wasn't trying to keep it from you. I guess I just...
[ He shakes his head and exhales. ]
I thought you knew.
[ And if he'd had any inkling that maybe Cloud didn't know, he hadn't wanted to examine it too closely. ]
So this? [ Another squeeze of Cloud's hand, before he looks up and around them at the cozy cottage room. ] This place is... kind of all I have. Figure I gotta make the best of it, right?
[ Which is why he's so grateful that Cloud is here. And now Aerith, too. Even Sephiroth being here allows him a chance for closure he would have never otherwise found.
What happens back home? That's all up to Cloud now. Zack's entrusted him with that future. Maybe now he understands that. ]
no subject
[It's a fruitless question. One which, as soon as it left his mouth, he knows won't get a proper answer, and even if he was given one, it wouldn't be anything that he could act on. Not here. So it's meaningless, pointless verbalisation of the deep sorrow moving between the pair of them and the suggestion of something else on Cloud's side- an anger. Quiet anger, but something consuming. Something that makes his body lock up and tense when otherwise, all he wants to do is curl up. Something that makes him hold his breath, when otherwise he'd be sobbing. Hell. The only thing that makes him not scream like he did that day is Zack's hand holding onto his.
His head's tilted upward. He feels the rough graze of knuckles against his cheekbone, some wetness (a tear?) being brushed away, and Zack's image is wobbly, distorted in his vision. He blinks it away.]
I didn't. ...I didn't tell you. I had problems with my memory. [An understatement.] Thought I got over it. S'why I didn't tell you. I hated- [No.] hate the thought of making you worry over me. You always had enough to worry about, and I dragged you down back then enough anyway. [A heavy pause.] Didn't want to do the same thing to you here. ...But...
[How could he forget that? He'd known, even after the Lifestream, that there was a disconnect. Zack had to have gone somewhere- between carrying him out of Nibelheim, and what Tifa uncovered, finding him dazed, confused, convulsing, at the Sector 7 train station.
It's horrible.
Beyond horrible. He swallows, audibly, realizing suddenly that somehow, his hands reached for Zack's jumper, and is clinging to the fabric of it at the chest.]
...Aerith said the same thing. But, I don't get it. You're... alive. I can feel it- you're breathing. This planet got your body somehow, right? What makes you sure that going back means you're gonna die again? How do you know?
[Logically, it wasn't like the same execution squad would be waiting for him there, right? ...But... there wasn't anything saying that there wouldn't be.
Finally, he takes a breath. It's sorely needed, at this point. A few of them later, and he exhales, his head moving into the crook of the other's neck. His voice is low- a mumble- against his shoulder.]
...Look. Because... this world... [A swallow.] might be... all you got, I don't want to see it end either. Forget about what I said before. You make it worth something. Aerith too, and- [Sephiroth.] him. But I don't want you to give up. None of us know what's gonna happen, right? You might get a chance to go back, as you are.
[Slight pause.]
...So don't give up. Alright? I'll fight for this planet, as long as you don't give up on ours. If... it's all on me, fine. But I want you to try.
no subject
Thankfully, Cloud doesn't dwell on that for too long. Memory problems? It makes sense, given how severe his case of mako poisoning had been. Zack holds back a sigh, wishing that Cloud would have been willing to share this with him before. It would have elucidated at least a couple of things that had been bothering him up until now. ]
You're not dragging me down. And you never have.
[ Zack is clear on that point. Is it possible that if he hadn't had Cloud with him, that he might have survived? There's no point in asking a question like that. He never would have left Cloud behind.
Glancing down at Cloud's slim fingers as they clench onto the fabric of his shirt, Zack considers how to answer his question. How does he know? Well, the world clearly kept turning without him. Time has passed since he breathed those last breaths; Cloud and Aerith have confirmed that already. More than that, he remembers the sensation of his consciousness slipping away before he woke up here in Aefenglom. He remembers the cold finality of it. Not that it's something he can so easily explain to someone who's never felt it themselves.
Cloud's face settles in against his neck, and Zack doesn't hesitate to place his hand on his back, rubbing slowly across his shoulder blades. ]
I guess I don't know for sure. Just not sure how what's already done could be undone. But, hey, I guess there's only one way to find out, right?
[ In truth, Zack doubts it will turn out the way that Cloud is hoping, and he's not sure if it's cruel to let him believe there's an outcome that doesn't involve Zack being dead and gone. He doesn't have it in him to argue the point, though. ]
In the meantime, though... [ He pulls back enough that he can look Cloud in the face, and let him get a little more used to his changed eyes. ] This place isn't all bad. Try to focus on the good stuff!
no subject
But.]
If you had, I wouldn't have held it against you. ...I thought... you did. S'the only thing that made sense, since-
[The Lifestream, what Tifa uncovered. His voice is muffled against Zack's shoulder and neck, and after a long pause, he abandons what he's saying entirely. He wouldn't have blamed him. Before learning this, he didn't- Zack getting them both out of Nibelheim was... more than what he could have expected.
Given everything.
It's with a large, shaky inhale he raises his head. And he brings his hands to his own face, rubbing at his eyes, his skin, in some attempt to wipe away exhaustion, stress, and the remnants of blood, tears and stray fur. He shifts, finishing the job with his forearm and wrinkling his nose as... well, he can't help realize there's fur everywhere.. He'll shower. When he's got the energy.]
Wasn't talking about that. It's other things. Screwing up with Hollander, needing you to come running at the reactor... [A pause. His eyes open, ] You always looked after me. Even though sometimes, it felt like you needed help too.
[Especially after the reports came in about Angeal. He never knew, for sure, what exactly took him out. Rank, or lack of it. Grunts just weren't told things like that. Zack never told him, either. There was that forced vacation, and after that... Not being stationed to Zack for a while made it even harder to try and make himself useful to him.
He knew, of course he did- but he couldn't do anything. That, combined with... some breakdown he sure as hell didn't understand, let alone the recovery of said breakdown in Nibelheim's inn made him feel... useless.]
...I didn't want to do that to you again.
[And there's what he says next. His answer- and he gets a distinct impression, like with Aerith, Zack's simply trying to be kind. But even then, he's right. There's one way to find out. And he's got a while with him.
...It doesn't alleviate all of his concern, though. If anything, even if it's far away, one day he'll have to go. And then, they'd see. He can use the time they have until then to get himself at a place where he can.
....And...
Yeah.
The good stuff.]
I guess, yeah.
[Another rub at his face. Which turns into a shove at his hair. ...Somehow, it's still intact. And sullenly:]
It's selfish. But... I'm kind of happy Tifa and Aerith're here.
no subject
As for whether or not Zack needed help back then, well, it's kind of a moot point to dwell on it, right? It had been a lot for one person to take on their shoulders, with everything falling apart around him, with what had happened with Angeal...
If Zack's going to find any kind of closure with all that, it's more likely to be with Sephiroth, much as he might hate to admit it.
Despite the heavy topic, there is a sense of relief too. It's as if he and Cloud are finally on the same page, and Zack's glad that this came up, painful as it might have been to get through it.
Watching as Cloud scrubs at his smudged skin, and seeing the mess that they're sitting in, Zack's once again struck with the reminder that there's a lot to clean up. In his wolf form, Cloud had sort of gotten blood... everywhere. But one thing at a time. ]
Think we've earned the chance to be selfish from time to time. I'm glad, too. [ Zack's struck with a smile as he thinks back to his reunion with Aerith. He doesn't think she's at all regretful that she ended up here, anyway. Tifa he doesn't know as well, but surely Cloud would know. ] You know, it seems like it'd make most sense for them to come stay here. I know they already got their own place, but... this cottage is too big for just us, right?
[ Both Aerith and Nier had shared the space with them, and while only one of them has returned (sans memories), it'd be nice to fill up all the empty rooms again. ]
no subject
What Zack says makes him abandon what he's doing, and turn his gaze to him proper. He's smiling as he says it- and... well, yeah. It made sense. Especially if something happened, the houses littering Aefenglom were mostly empty, but all of them aren't exactly moved out of. Furniture litters all of them. From people that had no choice but running.
The Cwlyd wasn't close to the city. But at some point, it was within it. Never mind what happened at Dorschat. Logically, it made sense to share the same roof.]
...You think they'll want to?
[With a wince, he moves his legs to his torso. And he keeps his eyes on Zack's own, taking note of the way the mako makes the gold glint.]
I mean, Nier... [A breath, an attempt to casually mention his name. Despite all of these truths, how that affected him is still his- still very personal.] ... He chose this place, and where it is, 'cause he knew we needed to be away from people. You sure that living with us is a good idea?
no subject
Don't see why not. And there's no harm in asking.
[ The mention of Nier is quick to grab Zack's attention. He's gathered that he and Cloud were close, even if he hadn't gotten the time to really get to know the guy or learn why that was the case. Given how emotionally draining this conversation has already been, Zack decides to leave that alone for now. ]
Aerith lived with us before, so what's changed? So long as we're open with them about what the full moons are like, I'm sure they'd want to help and look out for us, too.
[ Zack shakes his head, giving Cloud a quick flick on the forehead. ]
You're overthinking it.